Hypancistrus
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US Military protocol for snake encounters.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on & kills snake.
3. Armour: Runs over snake. Laughs. Looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has GPS co-ordinates to snake. Can't find
snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest & manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake before eating it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral
damage. Mission is considered a success. All participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics & clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department Directives & Theatre Commander Rules
of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning
it's heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files
enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about
how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets.
Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake
bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy
film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most
cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces
from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake. Gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment,
delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints
snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs. Misses snake target but scores direct hit on Embassy
100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot & Cold, Clear
but too much overcast, Too dry w/ Rain, Unlimited ceiling
w/ low cloud cover, etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million
dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
future to kill all snakes & achieve a revolution in military
affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake because
snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable
in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake builds bonfire. Pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake. Kills snake
and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target co-ordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National
Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess
the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG or military lawyers): Snake
declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on & kills snake.
3. Armour: Runs over snake. Laughs. Looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has GPS co-ordinates to snake. Can't find
snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest & manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake before eating it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral
damage. Mission is considered a success. All participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics & clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department Directives & Theatre Commander Rules
of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning
it's heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files
enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about
how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets.
Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake
bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy
film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most
cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces
from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake. Gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment,
delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints
snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs. Misses snake target but scores direct hit on Embassy
100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot & Cold, Clear
but too much overcast, Too dry w/ Rain, Unlimited ceiling
w/ low cloud cover, etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million
dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
future to kill all snakes & achieve a revolution in military
affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake because
snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable
in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake builds bonfire. Pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake. Kills snake
and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target co-ordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National
Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess
the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG or military lawyers): Snake
declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
