US Military Guide to Snake Encounters

Another good one...

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO) and locating a snake:

* Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

* Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

* Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."

* Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."

* Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"

* Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

* Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

* SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

* Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)

* Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost

* Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

* Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

* Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

And the extended version...

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on & kills snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake. Laughs. Looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has GPS co-ordinates to snake. Can't find
snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest & manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake before eating it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral
damage. Mission is considered a success. All participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics & clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department Directives & Theatre Commander Rules
of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning
it's heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files
enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about
how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets.
Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake
bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy
film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most
cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces
from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake. Gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment,
delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints
snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs. Misses snake target but scores direct hit on Embassy
100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot & Cold, Clear
but too much overcast, Too dry w/ Rain, Unlimited ceiling
w/ low cloud cover, etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million
dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
future to kill all snakes & achieve a revolution in military
affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake because
snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable
in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake builds bonfire. Pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake. Kills snake
and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target co-ordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National
Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess
the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG or military lawyers): Snake
declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Hilarious, too bad there isnt an A-10 Pilot on the extended version

Feel free to add it.

A-10 Pilot: Finds snake and flies a tree-top level attack against it. However, the AGM-65 Maverick missile cannot track the snake as the snake does not show up on infrared, and the dust/sand kicked up by the low level flying hides the snake from view, preventing a GAU-8 Avenger cannon strike. Pilot flies home and lodges a complaint that his aircraft needs to be upgraded.

he he he... very good!!

So do you fly, or are you just a fan?

The last two on the first post are hilarious. Something about "Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life." gave me such a funny visual!.

Just a fan, I didnt have the eyesight or reflexes to make it in the A-10 community. As a result, I will be a teacher. My mom is happy about that lol. I would love to learn to fly someday though

When I was a kid, and a big fan of Star Wars, particularly the X Wing novels, I used to think it would be mad awesome to be a fighter pilot.

Then I lost my glasses and....

Anyway, certainly not for me. But I do love the look of fighter planes. You ever been to the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum in Washington, DC? If not... try and go! They've got loads of military planes and lots of history.