I am sorry everyone, but I really need to get this off my chest

Hey people,

Look, I know it's nobody's problem and I imagine some of you would rather not have to listen to my complaints... or have enough of your own...
If that's the case, I am sorry, and you shouldn't read on.

I am going through a hard time. Or rather... things tend to be complicated for me.
But I came to a point where I really just need to write it down, to channel it somehow.

So... it goes like this.

My mother was recently diagnosed and she is dietetic. She also is a bit struggling financially.

My father is nearing his retirement and will not be able to provide for himself in the future apparently, again, financial issues.

They divorced when I was 7, up to that time I didn't see a whole lot of either of them.

My sister, whom is my mother's daughter from another father(Her father died at war before she married my dad)- She has multiple sclerosis. Her husband was recently(around 6 months ago) diagnosed with severe cancer that has already spread throughout the interior of his stomach and other organs- He went through chemotherapy and things seemed to get better... but now it again became worse.
From her side of the family, there's an hereditary deformity that causes cancerous growths to spontaneously grow in the head and brain. She lost her grandmother and uncle last year because of it. Now her uncle's daughter had to go through surgery to remove a tumor.... only now, her uncle's son has it too and needs to go through a risky surgery.


I live out on my own, working full time and at night I learn at a college for my first degree.

A month and a half ago my girlfriend and I broke up, which wasn't too easy though now... I find it harder to forgive myself for how I allowed myself to be treated than anything else.

I know I try my best to accept reality as it is, without complaining, without burdening the whole world. And to actually still give thanks for the fact that I am well.

But this sense of helplessness to help everyone around me...
I barely have time for myself, and I try to help as much as I can but I admit... I don't have enough reserves to be able to go through a day and still help everyone as much as I would like.

This is a reality for me... this is how life has been for the past few years... and every few months something happens... like my dad going to the hospital cause he suffered from severe vertigo and couldn't get up from bed.

On top of that I sometimes hear people whisper negative nonsense about me or my friends because of the foolish ego competition in the field over here...

I am just... tired. It's like you want to get up, and every time you're close to it, something knocks you back on your ass...
I don't pity myself, I don't feel like I'm a "poor soul".
I have alot to thank for... but the paradox is, that knowing this, I sometimes feel guilty for feeling a bit miserable at times.
I so desperately want serenity but I don't manage to achieve this state.

I apologize for "whining". I needed an outlet. I am sorry if it bothered anyone.

Oren.

Really sorry about all the illness in your family thats always rough. When my Grandmother was diagnosed with Lou Gerhrigs it was me that took care of her. I was in college, had two kids my son a newborn, and my daughter was just starting school where I volunteer. It was hard to meet all my commitments without feeling like someone was being jipped of my time...and time for myself was nonexistent so I can relate. But I came to a stunning conclusion at the end of all this after my Grandmother passed and that is this exact scenario is the unfortunate definition of being an adult. Being thankful for what I do have has been my key to happiness- no one's life is perfect and there is always going to be something we would want different, but when you come through it you actually do reflect back and become thankful on some level i promise. Good luck and I hope things look up for you!!

Oren, firstly never apologise for needing your friends, even if we're just a cyber shoulder to lean on. You're going for what can only inadequately be described as touch times, you're dispoirited and low. Hold on to the good things in your life, the goodness that's in you. No-one can fix everything that's wrong for those they love, although the desire to do so is right and natural.
I won't say things will get better, but they will change. Some things will change for the better, some things will be out of your control to help.
Just remember that you do have friends on here who will be rooting for you. J9

Oren, I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I don’t have any magic answer for you. I don’t suppose you expected one. I think we are often harder on ourselves than we should be. Remember that you can only do so much. Help as much as you are able and be satisfied with that. You can’t go through life feeling guilty because you were unable to do more. Your number one responsibility in life is to yourself.

dang. im hoping the best for you. life can be tough, but when someone can stand up and get through tough times. it just means that nothing can defeat them. so even though you needed to vent, who doesnt at times. your still a strong person and you dont need to apologize for asking for our ears. i like hearing peoples stories and knowing that i have some hard working people that i can talk to about interests we have and that they know what its like to work. and not just spend all day online. even though its tough. just keep on trudging forward. youll find yourself where you want to be someday and itll be great.

I'm so sorry, Oren. I can "hear" the hopelessness in your words. Breathe, my friend....just breathe. Make a list of what you want to do today and focus on that. Whatever doesn't get done, forgive yourself and reward yourself for what you have accomplished. When life is kicking you in the teeth at every turn, all you can do is take it a step at a time. It's often hard to remember that we can't be all things to all people, all you can do is be the best you can be at each moment. We'll fail, we'll succeed, but impossible expectations need to be put behind you.

I think when we get depressed, one of the most basic things we all seem to forget is health. It seems so easy, yet it's so hard. Eat well, even if you don't want to. Get enough sleep, even if you can't turn your brain off. Exercise...stimulates endorphins and helps us focus. Three very basic things that you alone can control....better than nothing when everything else in the world is OUT of your control.

Thanks for confiding in us, Oren....I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Oren, the older I get, the fewer answers I have. In my profession, Substance Abuse Counseling, I am looked at daily, weekly, monthly, etc.,....to have answers. I don't.
I grew up having a loving saintly maternal grandmother who'd been diagnosed with ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease in 1961. It was atypically slowly progressive, so I had 40 years to become quite attached,...and she died of a stroke in 2001....and this broke my heart. But if anyone had asked, I'd have said I had no illness in my family. I loved her most because of everything she was, M.S. included.
The worst thing about getting older, and you will inevitably find this out for yourself, is watching others grow older. So tragically unpleasant. And natural and inevitable, I tell myself.
I remember the day my baby sister was brought home as a newborn in 1967. What she looked like. In 2006, at 39 y/o, she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. My precious baby sister. I wish God had asked for volunteers, because I'd have gladly stepped forward and bourne the burden with a jolly heart. But it doesn't work that way. So.....now another rocky, tortuous road ahead.....
I have to be strong for my mother, who had to watch ALS take its toll on her own mother,...and now MS take its toll on her own daughter....she is taking it pretty hard. But plowing on through. I love her for that. I think of Job in the old testament.
There has been other unpleasantness in my life, and I have learned to build an invisible world around myself with books, Proust, Dosteovsky....music, Bach, Schubert....Brutus the animal shelter rescue dog (who rescues me now)....and pretty red and orange and yellow corn snakes. And people, here on the forum and elsewhere, with whom I have various things in common. They have managed to crowd and smother the negative whisperers of nonsense to quite the outer perimeter of my world.
The most difficult thing, for me, to learn to live with in the adult world, is illness, days that go wrong, scratches on my car, snakes that won't eat, people who die against my wishes, people who refuse to release ignorance and embrace enlightenment........well, you get the point.
Finish your schooling. Take care of you. You didn't mention anyone else who would. And this is not a selfish thing. It makes your life better for you. For when you are alone,....AND when you choose to be there to help the ones you love.

I know... I know. I assure you that everything you all said... I have said to myself over the years. Again and again with every new development.

I guess what hurts me the most is the fact that I can barely bring myself to look at my nephews in the eyes. How unfair is it, to be 9, 7 and 1 year old... and having a dying father, and a sick mother.
I don't want them to hurt anymore... and all I -can- do is try and get out of the way as much as I can, and take care of myself. This however means that when I do have the time... I am -so- tired, so weary... and I don't know what to say. They are still young, why should they have to deal with this?
Their father has a twisted sense of humor due to his condition... shooting remarks that he won't be alive by the end of the year... I don't know how to swallow that, and I don't know how I can spare this constant reminder from my nephews.

There are enough personal issues, things which I won't go further into because I imagine we all share them to a degree. I have been living out on my own since I was 21... trying to get things together with very limited support... and establishing yourself in Israel financially is -so- hard.

It would have been so much easier if we were allowed a rest... for nothing new (and bad) thing happening at least for more than a few months.

Meh, and there are people who have it far worse.... and you know? I get that. I really do.
I can't bring myself to share this with my little nephews though. Nothing I will say will make it seem fair to me, how on earth am I supposed to convince -children-. I love them so much... I don't want them to grow up emotionally scarred.

I didn't expect magic answers... I appreciate your kind words, all of you. I will be fine, I will probably by this time tomorrow be lively and happy... that's how it is usually.

I wish I could do more, I wish I could just really... help.

I have a friend who is an older lady. When I say older it is significant. She has had a really hard life. She asked me one day if I had said my gratefuls. I didn’t know what they were. She said that no matter how bad life gets she says her gratefuls every morning on the way to work. Simply repeats to herself the things she is grateful for. I’m grateful for my husband. I’m grateful for my health. I’m grateful for this beautiful weather. I’m grateful for my job. Etc. By doing so, she became focused on the things in her life that were good instead of dwelling on the bad. The bad didn’t change but her outlook on life did.

I hope everything gets better for you. I know that feeling of helplessness all to well. But that just shows how caring of a person you are. And that is a beautiful thing that is not that easy to find in this world anymore. Just be a light in the darkness, its all you can do. I hope all gets better for everyone you love, and I wish for you the strength to get through all the emotional strain life throws at you. I know its hard, but you will always have us to talk to when things get too overwhelming. My thoughts are with you and yours ((HUGS))

Oren, I can appreciate all that you've said. I've seen some of this and other things too. My brother's wife is divorcing him... and they've got 3 kids - one of which they adopted about 2 years ago. Adopt a kid to get a divorce??? How SICK is that?

Anyway, I completely understand the desire to not let your nephews hurt. My nephews and niece are the first thing I think of when my brother calls (he has his own ringtone). I wonder how they are and if they're "feeling" the divorce. I tell my brother EVERY chance he gets to tell them that Uncle Fred loves them and will always be there for them.

Sooo, my only thought to you is that you spend time with the nephews when you can. Take care of Oren first and then think of them. Because an Oren who is taking care of himself will be leaps and bounds better for them than an Oren that isn't.

I think these "melancholy" times in our lives help us to stay grounded and "real". Just as long as we don't "live" there.

Take care, my friend.

I agree with what everyone said, Oren... it's ALWAYS okay to come to your friends for support, even if we're online. *hugs* Take care of yourself.

Oren- I'm sorry, I can't think of anything comforting to say...I remember when you said you and your girlfriend broke up. It seems like that is just the way of life, misery upon misery. I guess you just have to try to do the best you can for everyone. I know it's a lot to be burdened with. Maybe a quote from an ultrarunning friend is a thing to say to yourself; it doesn't always get worse. I hope that proves true for you.

Hey Oren, I'm really sorry to hear of the hard times you are facing. I know they say it always gets darkest before the dawn, but sometimes things just get so bad that you just don't even want to go on. I will say that I do think you are very brave and strong for going on as long as you have. Your family is very lucky to have such a wonderful person in their lives. Even though it is impossible to do everything we want to accomplish, just know that every little bit you do is one thing done out of love. Little things go a long way. As said..I can't say things will get better..some things will get better, others cannot be helped. But no matter what, through it all, do not doubt or regret the things you have done or haven't..For doing something is better then not have done anything at all...

I'm sorry to hear about everything Oren, and it sounds like everything people can say is the same stuff you try and tell yourself, but the problem is that it's just getting tiring. All I can say is stay strong, and don't give up. It will get easier for certain, so just keep moving forward. I believe everything does happen for a reason, and it's hard that your being tested harder than others, but just stay positive think good thoughts. Here's a song you might like; It's called. "Be Free" by BTNH. It's a rap song, though, but you might really like it!!.



Here's just something from Chris Rock that I find hilarious. Better than advice, and IMO some of the funniest stuff in the world. Warning; this does have some foul language, but for Chris Rock it's very mild. Still, it's hilarious and you might enjoy it as well!.

When I'm dealing with the bad parts of life I always try to remember that:
"This too shall pass..."
a very Buddhist belief at it's core, but if you really think about it and reflect, the truth of that statement really can help during tough times.
Like wade said gratitude not only for what you have, but for what you've been given goes a long way...

I can speak from experience, your nephews are young enough that this will seem like a dream to them. My mother died when she was 39, and I am the eldest of 5 kids.

You have to remember to take care of yourself first because if you wear yourself completely out you will have nothing to give anyone else. Take a day a week where you just have "you" time (you can spend it with friends, but do something fun/relaxing... NO GUILT!). It is just like on an airplane where the stewardess tells you, "If there is an emergency, and the oxygen masks fall place yours on FIRST because if you try to help others first, you will pass out and be unable to help ANYONE." The same goes here. Remember to sleep, eat right, and take time to relax so that you can be strong and help others.

Also, do not feel guilty. We do not choose who is sick and who is not.

"Their father has a twisted sense of humor due to his condition... shooting remarks that he won't be alive by the end of the year... I don't know how to swallow that, and I don't know how I can spare this constant reminder from my nephews."

This may be his way with copping with everything. You may have the gently YET firmly tell him that those comments are not appropriate around his young kids. He may not realize how he is hurting them. Kids are very perceptive and know more about what is going on than adults realize. He needs to keep those comments out of the kids' hearing.

"Meh, and there are people who have it far worse.... and you know? I get that. I really do."

No matter ANYONE'S problems, there is always someone who has it far worse, but that does NOT diminish how heavy your family's problems are on you. Just because someone else may have it tougher, does NOT mean that you are not allowed to grieve and feel down! You have a very hard road right now!

I am just wondering about what you said about your dad having vertigo attacks. Is that diagnosed as a specific disease? Because it sounds a lot of like Meniere's Disease I know somebody who has it. Idk if that will help or not.

The_Thunderer said:

Oren, I can appreciate all that you've said. I've seen some of this and other things too. My brother's wife is divorcing him... and they've got 3 kids - one of which they adopted about 2 years ago. Adopt a kid to get a divorce??? How SICK is that?

Anyway, I completely understand the desire to not let your nephews hurt. My nephews and niece are the first thing I think of when my brother calls (he has his own ringtone). I wonder how they are and if they're "feeling" the divorce. I tell my brother EVERY chance he gets to tell them that Uncle Fred loves them and will always be there for them.

Sooo, my only thought to you is that you spend time with the nephews when you can. Take care of Oren first and then think of them. Because an Oren who is taking care of himself will be leaps and bounds better for them than an Oren that isn't.

I think these "melancholy" times in our lives help us to stay grounded and "real". Just as long as we don't "live" there.

Take care, my friend.

Click to expand...

Actually my brother is going through the same. In attempt to strengthen his bond with his former wife they adopted a little girl.
Now they are divorced.

And thank you all. Truly.
It's simply... you know, I am 24, and have been dealing with these things for at least 10 years... every few months something new happens.
I can understand a bump on the road... but it actually feels like there's no time for things to settle before something new happens.

I am not down as I was yesterday... I am quite alright. And all will be well.

To me, it's simply frustrating to want to help and not be able to. It drags me to a cycle of guilt and depression.
That too will pass... I suppose that like any other person, I will have periods in which I need to pick myself up.

Thank you all for your support, wishes, and advice. It really does mean alot to me

Oren.