Adult Children of Alcoholics

I've been going back and forth on whether to post this for over an hour, so here goes I guess...Has anyone else been here?

I've been trying to come to terms with the results of 20+ years of physical and emotional abuse from my father, and the isolation that stems from knowing that the rest of my family KNOWS, but have never raised a hand to stop it from happening.

I started thinking about this when my dad put my brother against the wall by his throat like he'd done to me...and my mom threw him out of the house. Part of my heart broke that day. Why stick up for my brother and not me? I was very confused and upset (bit of an understatement) and frustrated and just...broken. More so than usual. So I did what I usually do, and retreated from everything.

I wasn't really motivated to try and get over anything, or to stop hating my dad and resenting my mom, until I met my husband. I want to be whole for him. So I've tried, without knowing what I need to do TO heal, and it's terrifying. I was still convinced that something was just fundamentally WRONG with me until I came across a list of common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics:

* Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
* Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
* Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
* Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
* Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
* An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
* Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
* An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
* A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
* Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
* Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.
* Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
* Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
* Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
* A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.

That's me almost exactly. I was more than a little shocked. It gave me a better perspective. I still don't know what to DO with it, though.

My mom has been asking me to go to Al-Anon meetings with her, but truthfully I am still tremendously resentful that this went on for DECADES before she did anything, and I don't think I will be able to open up to anyone in front of her. I don't know how to be close to ANYONE in my biological family. I've never felt safe ANYWHERE until I met my hubby. "home" was a place to escape FROM.

Tonight I gathered the nerve to ask my husband if he would go to one with me. It's a start, I hope.

Sorry to ramble... :awcrap: I don't mean to dump my problems on anyone else, I just feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get it OUT OF MY HEAD! A big thank you to anyone who read all that.

I think it is a start and a massive step forward. I bet you feel better after posting this, it helps to get things off your chest.

We all have our crosses to bear, some worse than others. Although I haven't experienced exactly what you describe I have been through some tough times and felt exactly how you describe in you bullet points.

The most important thing to remember is that you are most definitely NOT alone.

I now have a partner that is my rock and I am terrified that he will leave me even though he thinks the world of me. You have to not let feelings like that build up. Talk it through with your hubby, no matter what your worry is.

If you resent your Mum then it may not be a good idea to go with her as it may do you more harm than good.

Have you considered one on one counseling? It is extremely therapeutic to talk about anything and everything because the problem becomes more managable when you understand it.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey, I'm sure it won't be easy but as long as you have the right support you can make huge improvements.

ceduke said:

My mom has been asking me to go to Al-Anon meetings with her, but truthfully I am still tremendously resentful that this went on for DECADES before she did anything, and I don't think I will be able to open up to anyone in front of her. I don't know how to be close to ANYONE in my biological family.

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AA and Al-Anon put the responsibiity of going forward with their lives on the individual, where it should be. Your Mom has finally chosen to go to meetings. Alcoholism is pretty destructive, but whether it isone year later or fifty years later, what is important is the desire and effort to make steps to amend, and to resolve to have a new life one day at a time.

If you are still carrying baggage and allowing the baggage to make your decisions, you may not be ready. That is no criticism, it is merely an observation.

Someday, you will get past the resentment and realize that after years of the injury of either being an alcoholic or being closely related to an alcoholic, each person must decide within himself/herself to take the first step, make themselves better, and reach out to others. Your Mom is doing this, and when you get ready, you have the power to make that choice also.

I hope for the best for you, because you deserve the best. It is a long road.

Both my parents are alcoholics and my father is actually about to die of Liver cancer anyday now so yes I have been there too. I don't talk to my real dad so his death is unfortunate, but not exactly sad to be honest. Remember you are only their genetic product and in no way anything like your Dad. You can't change how your Mom dealt with this and maybe telling her you have resentment is a good start

Thanks guys. I'm over hating my dad, now I just pity him. He's an angry, bitter man who blames everyone around him for his own shortcomings. None of his children have showed up for Fathers Day in years, and I think one day it will hit him that he's driven them out.

ceduke said:

Thanks guys. I'm over hating my dad, now I just pity him. He's an angry, bitter man who blames everyone around him for his own shortcomings. None of his children have showed up for Fathers Day in years, and I think one day it will hit him that he's driven them out.

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Sounds like my father, his father, and most likely quite a few men from that side. I wasn't subjected to his problems my whole life, but they certainly have had a lasting effect on my mother, my brother, and myself.

I actually found out recently that he has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and has had a few strokes in the past year. The only sad part is that I can't bring myself to care. It's so hard to feel that way about a father, but what is a father really, if he has done nothing but make my life worst.

Sorry to hear about your problems Ceduke, and although every situation is different, I can certainly relate. Alcohol abuse is especially common in my family, and it's destruction is so far reached. I think people either continue the cycle, or break free to be the best people they can, there's not much in between. I am glad you have found your own way of life, and that it has treated you so well. It's hard coming from such a F'd up beginning, but where you end is usually the most important part.

Ceduke, all my best to you while you travel the journey of life. I am offering my hand in friendship, should you ever need another shoulder or ear.

Thank you for posting this thread. It has opened my eyes up to a new view that I have been in need of seeing.

Michael, once again you impress me. I think you are a wonderful young man with a heart so big! If that says anything about how you are surviving...it's all good from my stand point! My offer is there to you, Michael, anytime!

All my best to you all,
PJ

((((HUGS))))

Nothing to give but my support and open ears...

Good luck, and keep coming back, because it only works if you work it..


Regards.. Tim of T and J