Somewhat new member/Having issues with members

Originally Posted by visceralrepulsion

i dont care what most people say, there are some really haughty members on here. no, i wouldnt call it a majority, but enough have written in a condscending text for it to warrant my attention. and if someone gets the vibe theyre being disparaged, or talked down to, who are we to say what theyre feeling isnt true, or is wrong, or hast no merit?

Before I go any further, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I tend to be blunt. I usually prefer to write things out in a short manner, though I do have my moments of waxing eloquent. So the following is meant, entirely, to be helpful.. but it's going to be written out simply because I've tried writing it more tactfully and it just comes off sounding snide.

So.

Your phrasing here, if that is the way you have written in the past, is probably why you've encountered, or think you have encountered, people being condescending.

"I don't care what (you) say", "it warrants my attention", etc. The entire paragraph is actually highly aggressive in word usage. Not vibes. Not tone. Outright word usage and phrasing. Faced with writing like this, there is an increased chance for aggressiveness to be returned, and thus you end up with a spiral of increasing snippiness.

Often, a lot of what (generic)you read tone-wise in a post is something (generic)you were the one to put there. You get out what you put in. If you think you read something condescending, you're going to have that in your brain and MORE things are going to look condescending to you. It's a confirmation bias.

Originally Posted by Susan

I just read all the threads you have created or posted in and I can't find a single instance that, IMO, warrants this thread. Everyone answered your questions in a normal and decent manner and no one was condescending or in the slightest bit hostile.

Like I said, I may have been imagining it. Also, a previous poster mentioned that the feeling may have resulted from the simple fact that it is impossible to determine tone of voice. I wasn't trying to offend or attack anyone. I'm merely used to more talkative posters on other forums.

Originally Posted by Shiari

Before I go any further, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I tend to be blunt. I usually prefer to write things out in a short manner, though I do have my moments of waxing eloquent. So the following is meant, entirely, to be helpful.. but it's going to be written out simply because I've tried writing it more tactfully and it just comes off sounding snide.

So.

Your phrasing here, if that is the way you have written in the past, is probably why you've encountered, or think you have encountered, people being condescending.

"I don't care what (you) say", "it warrants my attention", etc. The entire paragraph is actually highly aggressive in word usage. Not vibes. Not tone. Outright word usage and phrasing. Faced with writing like this, there is an increased chance for aggressiveness to be returned, and thus you end up with a spiral of increasing snippiness.

Often, a lot of what (generic)you read tone-wise in a post is something (generic)you were the one to put there. You get out what you put in. If you think you read something condescending, you're going to have that in your brain and MORE things are going to look condescending to you. It's a confirmation bias.

Very excellent points. The reason I posted this thread was because I did have it in my head that I was being "talked down" to, and therefore assumed everyone was doing it...which is why I wanted to discuss with other members why this was so. I doubted other members realized they were coming off that way.

Originally Posted by Hillybean

I think the biggest thing with us newbies, is we all need to learn how to use the search on the forum . Many questions have been asked twenty different ways already, and all have been answered twenty different times.

Now if I spend two days searching for an answer to a question or problem and I DON'T FIND IT, I then post it to get a fresh answer.

I also agree it gets annoying when people give newbies advice, and it becomes a dispute. Bottom line is, its advice take it or leave, don't cause a problem over it just because you don't like the recommendation being gave.

Over all I do think the majority of members try their best to be helpful.

If you had a few bad experiences posting (got nasty replies, etc) continue to post. Try, try again ... No question is dumb or bad. It's having a question and not asking it that is.

We are all here to learn, even someone in the hobby for 10years can still learn something new on here.

I will keep that in mind.

Originally Posted by schnebbles

I'm sure everyone will agree, I'm the queen of questions. Actually I need to use search vs just asking my questions.

I've never run into anyone rude here and I've asked too many questions to count.

I hope you don't leave b/c there are so many knowledgable people here. I finally became a paying member b/c I know I've learned well over $25 worth from this forum (and I like to be able to edit, lol!).

I too, agree that you never know how a person's tone is. That is one large problem with email, forums, etc.

This forum is also very enabling, so be aware!! I started out with 2 and I will have 9 when they all get shipped.

Hahaha. I understand the feeling. I've seen postings for Mexican Black Kingsnakes, and I have already decided the next reptile we get will be a MBK!

Thanks to everyone for posting! I really appreciate y'all taking the time to respond.

Originally Posted by CornyApollo

Very excellent points. The reason I posted this thread was because I did have it in my head that I was being "talked down" to, and therefore assumed everyone was doing it...which is why I wanted to discuss with other members why this was so. I doubted other members realized they were coming off that way.

Er... I think you missed part of my point. It's not that *they* are necessarily coming off that way, but that *you* think they are. Sometimes, yes, there are condescending things written. But if one *expects* so see condescension, one is going to see it even places it isn't....

Originally Posted by Shiari

Er... I think you missed part of my point. It's not that *they* are necessarily coming off that way, but that *you* think they are. Sometimes, yes, there are condescending things written. But if one *expects* so see condescension, one is going to see it even places it isn't....

No, no. I totally failed at trying to explain. I understood your point, but apparently didn't understand mine. X) I wanted members to be able to explain that they weren't being condescending, but that I may just be taking it that way. I put it generally, which made it seem like I was saying that members are unintentionally condescending. My apologies.

I consider myself a careful and tactful poster. I always proof my contributions a couple of times before posting, and use the spell check, too. So I get very upset with myself when I find an error or lack of clarity or empathy in any of my posts (and it STILL happens sometimes!). Thus I tend to notice similar items in other posts.

I realize it is very difficult to put yourself in another person's "shoes". That is especially true if you are new and unsure of yourself here, or when posting in an emotionally charged thread you are passionate about. But if you look back at a problematic thread later, when you are not as involved with it, you may (or may not) be able to see something in your own writing that might come off as aggressive or defensive, as Shiari noted. I have to admit that it raises my hackles a little when I come across posts from people who seem to have a bit of a chip on the ol' shoulder, too. But I try to ascribe it to just "one of those Internet things" because you can't get the real tone, gestures, and other body language to give you the real intent behind the words. Of course there are posts that are truly rude or aggressive by anyone's standards!

I guess my main suggestion is to try to ignore those who don't play well with others (or are just having a bad day for some reason) while enjoying the majority of our members who have a lot of knowledge and who really enjoy interacting with others who share some of the same interests, but often bring diverse ideas and opinions you might not have thought of yourself.

Originally Posted by Shiari

Before I go any further, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I tend to be blunt. I usually prefer to write things out in a short manner, though I do have my moments of waxing eloquent. So the following is meant, entirely, to be helpful.. but it's going to be written out simply because I've tried writing it more tactfully and it just comes off sounding snide.

So.

Your phrasing here, if that is the way you have written in the past, is probably why you've encountered, or think you have encountered, people being condescending.

"I don't care what (you) say", "it warrants my attention", etc. The entire paragraph is actually highly aggressive in word usage. Not vibes. Not tone. Outright word usage and phrasing. Faced with writing like this, there is an increased chance for aggressiveness to be returned, and thus you end up with a spiral of increasing snippiness.

Often, a lot of what (generic)you read tone-wise in a post is something (generic)you were the one to put there. You get out what you put in. If you think you read something condescending, you're going to have that in your brain and MORE things are going to look condescending to you. It's a confirmation bias.

Actually, Shiari, I've been fairly "laid-back" in my "phrasing" & "word usage". I'm a mellow fellow unless provoked. I fail to see reason in your rhyme. I honestly don't see how my phrasing was more than strong, to the point of being aggressive.

My conflicts with other forum members have been in the cases of someone implying, in/not in so many words, that their snakes were somehow better because they are "designer" morphs, or from such & such breeder, and not a crappy little snake like little Timmy's petstore one. Or, when others have talked in a disparaging manner as to imply, intuitively, intentionally, or unknowingly that someone is not as intelligent as they are based on THEIR "phrasing" & "word usage". ETC. ETC.

Though intelligence is off topic, please people, don't assume because someone is not typing with the utmost of capitalization, punctuation, or even spelling that the person is of less mental capacity than you. They are most likely just less informed or less educated, or in my case LAZY. Which does in no way make them any lesser than you are. This is why this forum is here, atleast in my assumption, to educate FELLOW Corn Snake lovers about the world of their beloved snakes. I don't know about you Shiari, but I myself like to help others, to share any wealth and blessing of information I have with others less informed.

And Shiari, I've spoken to others about this post you've ever so "eloquently" posted and made me fortunate enough to read. Most everyone agreed it was indeed "snide". I know you personally have tried to school senior members on here whom may or may not need it. MYguess is, and this is just an inference, an inkling, but my guess is that someone who's been raising, breeding, and generally keeping snakes for 2-3 decades doesn't need your opinion on the way they "do business", UNLESS they ask you. And, that's just my opinion...so take it with a grain of salt, as I have your words. Ps- Forgive my typos, because frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.