Do you ever feel guilty for wanting another?

[spyderk]

I have been struggling with something. I found another snake that I'd really like to get. I am sure someone can relate with that feeling, right? Warning - this is long.

Now, here is my issue. I got into corn snakes last summer. Bought 1, bought 3 more. Waited until maybe April and bought a Pueblan milksnake, then in July I got my Cal king. So we are up to 6. I do have a bearded dragon, and my son has a leopard gecko. So what I am saying is I haven't had these animals for my entire life, though I feel like I have always loved reptiles. I was the girl who had dolls and Barbies but played with (and became very knowledgeable about, for a kid) dinosaurs obsessively. I am sure my mom remembers my obsession. So having these animals is almost like being a kid again - it is fun, relaxing, it's like a step away from stressful life. I have had a good amount of stress in the last 2 years that has given me more anxiety than I used to have, but caring for the snakes give me a "step away" from all of that.

I am already known as the (crazy?) snake lady around town, and I don't mind that at all. I care for my snakes well and have already used them to help others with their own husbandry and also to show people who have an interest. However, my husband has expressed a worry with what others think. He doesn't want others to think we are TOO weird. He thought the 4 snakes were okay because we have 4 kids and they like snakes too. Then the 5th was somewhat okay because that one can be mine. So the 6th was kinda like, why? You already have one of your "own." I know that people think I am weird, and that doesn't bother me. It DOES bother me if my husband thinks I am a nutcase, though.

It was a struggle to convince him to get the bearded dragon, but now that we have him, I think he's happy to have him. He really isn't into snakes, but he has made me 2 small racks and seems to show interest at times that he can't help (he'll volunteer to get the corn snakes out into their feeding bins for me, for example). Yet other times he will say that he doesn't want to show any interest for worry that I'll get more snakes. Yet it isn't his interest or disinterest that makes me want/not want snakes. It's just me.

Finances to buy more or maintain more isn't an issue. Space (for one more) wouldn't be an issue (I have an empty space). They are in juvenile racks and he has already said that he will build another rack when they need it (he enjoys woodworking). Food wouldn't be much of an issue; I already buy in bulk.

He is worried that I won't ever stop. I know that I will, but I don't have a very good record at the moment, with the 6 that I have, do I? I like a LOT of different snakes but I am committed to keeping colubrids because I like them a lot AND they share similar husbandry and I don't need to do anything extra than what I already have. If I had to buy a cage or something for JUST ONE MORE, I know I wouldn't do it. But we technically have room for 4-5 more, but if we didn't want to set up another cage, I have room for 3 more in our rack systems. 2 of those spaces are in my son's room, so they are out. I have room for 1 more, reasonably, when I break it all down in my head. (I have a 6-snake rack in my room, filled with 5. My son has a 4-snake/gecko rack in his room and it has 1 snake and 1 gecko).

So it's hard, not wanting to be offensive to your spouse, but yet wanting to enjoy your hobby. He has hobbies that he loves and spends money on too. I haven't always supported them with enthusiasm but I feel like now I am really supportive. It's just that his hobbies aren't alive - guns, bowhunting, etc. I have even started shooting bow and I really enjoy it! My hobby requires continuous care and feeding, but those are things that I enjoy as part of the hobby, but he sees those as negative aspects.

Bottom line is that I asked him about another and he said if it was up to him, no, but I am an adult. :awcrap: So I feel guilty - because yes, I want to get this particular snake, but I don't want what I enjoy to cause tension or make me feel guilty. Will I be fine if I don't get another snake? Sure, I would be. I don't need any of them; I just enjoy them a lot. I don't want to breed, and I don't want to have more if I will need to be buying more caging and supplies.

Yes he knows of my internal struggle. He says "if it was up to him, no more snakes, but I am an adult." Whether I get another or not, I still feel somewhat bad that he feels this way. But if I did get another, that's just more guilt. Is it misplaced guilt or should I be more considerate and just be thankful that I have what I have?

(just wanted to type this out so it could get out of my head, thanks for reading).

 

[Justine66]

wow, I know exactly how you feel.. (well sorta) I have my 2 snakes, that I have gotten over the past year, but I eventually plan to stop at 5 or 6.. but my boyfriend already doesn't like the thought of that..

I digress.. I honestly think, wait a bit.. see if your still intrested in getting another, and if you are then do it!
as long as your hobby isnt effecting you finance wise or space wise I don't think doing something that makes you happy is a bad thing.. and if your supportive of his hobbies than I think he should be supportive of yours.. they maybe different but you enjoy it, he should be able to see that, and not look at it as a problem.
i suffer from stress and anxiety problems and my snakes help me out more than anything. to not have them in my life now would just be crazy to think of.. so I know how you feel.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[spyderk]

Thanks. I know I'll be okay if I don't get another, but I also don't want to make a decision based on the wrong feelings. It's like, out of respect should I not get another or is it out of guilt?

I feel bad because it's not like I was like this when we married 13 years ago. I wasn't allowed to have reptiles as a kid and the thought didn't even occur to me to get any while I was having my kids. When my youngest was 2 and a half, we got the bearded dragon. That was 3 years ago. So this is somewhat surprising to my husband, but for me, it's like finding an old interest.

 

[Lt. Dan]

I can almost relate. Not so much with the guilt though. I live alone, have so for over 15 years. No one in my family can understand why I like or would even own a snake. In fact I've only had my 2nd snake for just under 2 months and I refuse to tell them I have a 2nd. My mother hates my King so much that when she visits I have to keep him in a walk in closet so she doesn't have to see or worry about him "getting her". Thankfully she doesn't visit often. Even my uncles are reluctant to visit me because of my snakes. In fact their defiance may be part of what drove me to get my corn. I personally don't care if they never visit me again. I love my snakes and want to add more to my scaly family. This does however make dating difficult as most women my age are usually not interested in coming to a " snake den", again their loss. I joke with coworkers that I'm the male version of a crazy cat lady but with snakes. I can't explain/understand why I'm so enchanted with them but I am and I no longer care what others think of me and my snakes. I feel no guilt except that I can't tell my family that I have and want more because I know they'll ridicule me for my hobby. I've always been the "strange one" or the quiet one in my family so it shouldn't surprise them at all. Only my sister and one aunt can understand that I will do what I like and don't bother me for it. One of my nieces loves King and knows I may get another. I want to tell her about Lt. Dan but I know she'll spread the word to the rest of the family, and frankly I just don't want to hear the bs.
So you shouldn't feel guilty is what I'm saying. We all have things that make us happy. Some it's sports, some may have cooking, some collect stamps. I'm sure your husband will support your passion, as he already has, it doesn't sound like he'd divorce you over this so there should be no guilt. Let your snake flag fly.

 

[Christen]

I would say wait as well. Not because of him but as you are finding out snakes are addicting. There is always going to be one you just have to have but getting overwhelmed in the first year is how quite a few fail in the hobby. Not to mention if you slow down you are more likely to have support from the hubby later when a few months go by and the itch is still there.

I completely know what you are talking about. My husband feels I have to many snakes. Not because they are not taken care of but because he feels they need more room than I give them. Now my adult snakes are either in 55 gal tanks or 90 quart tubs. Juveniles are in 66 quart tubs and babies are in 15 quart tubs (some in 66 if they are active and can handle it). So my snakes aren't deprived by any means. He just feels that all snakes should be in 75 gal tank or bigger.

He after all these years has excepted being married to the crazy snake lady and understands that they give me a purpose.

 

[spyderk]

Lt. Dan - thanks. Love the name, too. I know my family thinks I am crazy to a degree, but it doesn't bother me. I can't fully explain it, either.

Christen - I read your post about not telling your dad about all the snakes last night and thought about PMing you. They are addicting, and I have definitely self-limited before. If he only knew how many times I have checked classifieds! It's just really fun to look and think about all the awesome snakes. And yes, my husband said you'll always want one more. I want to prove to him that I CAN limit myself but yet ... I want one more! But I think I mentally allow myself that "one more" because I literally have room for one more. Once I have no more room I know I won't be asking him to make me another rack! In fact, he had made me a 4-snake rack and then I had 4 in that and the milksnake in another cage, and HE volunteered to make another because they should all be together.

He has told me he won't ever be in favor of getting another reptile, whether it's something the kids want or I want, just because they aren't his thing. I can respect that. In the same way, hunting isn't my thing but I support it because it brings him happiness. Supporting looks like being okay with the hunting times, the supplies, the trail cameras in the woods, the buying and moving of deer stands, etc. It's not my thing but I can see how he likes it. But he has said that hunting, around here, is normal. It's accepted. What I do, what I like - it is weird.

 

[Guruofchem]

He's being honest that reptiles aren't his thing, but not restricting your enjoyment of them. Offhand, I'd say he's a pretty good spouse for a non-reptile person and you should be thankful for that. I think, however, that you might want to slow down a bit and enjoy the snakes you have before adding too many more. You may feel less strongly attached to them as the novelty fades, and might be stuck with a mess of snakes you begin to feel "meh" about, which isn't fair to the snakes. There's no hurry...

 

[Christen]

And you know my father does know now how many snakes I have because I got down to what makes him hesitant about the snakes. He has a guy working for him that breeds Balls. He can't afford to but he buys more. He has even refinanced his house to buy 1 snake. This is what kind of put my dad off. He was afraid I was doing the same thing. Now that he knows that I don't buy outside my means he is OK with the numbers. Now when others ask like friends or strangers I still answer with "you don't want to know" or "quite a few".

Feel free to PM me. We can chit chat challenges of being a crazy snake lady.

 

[spyderk]

Good point. Yeah, I would say he has been very generous with his tolerance, which is why I don't want to push it. I have had the corn snakes for over a year and definitely love having them and can't wait to see them grow up. The plan is that once the kids are old enough, they will get to keep them on their own. So far, one of the 4 corns is off in my son's room, and my daughter is asking for hers to be in her room now. The other 2 corns that belong to my 7 and 5 year old will be in my care for awhile longer yet! And if they ever don't want to care for them, that's okay, because they are also mine while they are in the house.

 

[spyderk]

And you know my father does know now how many snakes I have because I got down to what makes him hesitant about the snakes. He has a guy working for him that breeds Balls. He can't afford to but he buys more. He has even refinanced his house to buy 1 snake. This is what kind of put my dad off. He was afraid I was doing the same thing. Now that he knows that I don't buy outside my means he is OK with the numbers. Now when others ask like friends or strangers I still answer with "you don't want to know" or "quite a few".

Feel free to PM me. We can chit chat challenges of being a crazy snake lady.

That's good that you got down to the root of the issue. That is what I would never want to see happen - a hobby that overtakes your common sense and overall life! I feel like if I did get another, that's when I would start being vague with certain people!

One of the roots of this issue is that I don't want my husband to think I am insane. Yet, surely I am already there with 6 snakes.

As far as waiting - I was thinking that having a hatchling on pinkies would help me right now because I only have 1 snake (the king) on small pinks because he's only 11 grams. The rest of them are on fuzzies and hoppers. So another little one would help clean up the bag of pinkies I have so they don't spoil. LOL. Okay it's true but I know I'm reaching, too!

 

[spyderk]

I thought of something else. At one point he asked if breeding them would make good money. I told him no, not really. It's like, he could see the point of having multiples if it brought in money, but if they are just existing for "no purpose" ... then why on earth do you need more than one.

 

[Tavia]

I've kind of been feeling that way, the last few months. Keep seeing snakes I want and am having to really resist buying but also feel that we have expanded our collection really fast and need to slow down a bit. Luckily though, my husband is very into the snakes too and they are "ours." We only debate the expenses part, if we can afford to buy that particular snake at that moment and if the answer is no, then we don't buy. But he doesn't tell me no to more reptiles and I don't tell him no either. Kind of have the same understanding, we are both adults and can make that decision ourselves.
Currently, we have 24 snakes and one we are on a wait list for and should be receiving soon. Plus currently 11 crested geckos, two gargoyle geckos and one more garg on the way. The geckos are more my interest, although my husband likes them well enough and enjoys watching babies pip and taking pictures of them.
We also do plan on a small scale breeding business. Approx half our collection are breeding pairs but the other half are just and only pets.
Sorry I don't actually have any advice for you though.

 

[Chip]

I have roughly (over?) 50, and bred 5 females this year. Some are special-needs, some are genes I don't want to make more of, and some are just "pets" and program animals. A couple are common mutations with crappy temperaments, and wouldn't make good pets so I'm stuck with them. Others I'm not sure really why I bought/kept, and I ask myself that every time I feed them! To echo everyone else, don't get in over your head, there will always be tons of snakes out there needing homes.

 

[spyderk]

Well, I don't feel like another would be in over my head, for sure. I just am trying to find that balance between having fun with a hobby and not going "overboard" - when to a particular person, overboard is more than one! Yet, being told I'm an adult and can make my own choices.

I do appreciate the thoughtful responses!

 

[spyderk]

And yes, there will always be more of the snakes I am looking at. The darn black and white banded kingsnake ...

 

[HVani]

I totally feel your pain.

I have 3 snakes and my husband is really not a snake person. 2 of the snakes make him uncomfortable when I have them out, the other he is fine with(something about her makes non snake people comfortable).

Anyway my husband doesn't have any hobbies so it's just me with my snakes, and salt water tank. He's not thrilled about the snakes but they are in a room that is esentially mine. I consider him pretty tolerant of what I have.

However getting another snake is pretty much out of the question at this point. If I just brought another home it would be quite a fight and I would rather not deal with that. But at the same time I am ALWAYS seeing another snake I want!! I too played with dinosaurs as a kid and I just find so much beauty in snakes.

My family thinks I'm nuts.

It is kind of nice only having 3 through. One is a rescue but the other 2 are snakes I know I really REALLY wanted. Both of which I waited on before getting. By having a limit on how many snakes I should have, it has caused me to be super selective with the ones I do have. And in the long run VERY happy with my babies

 

[Guruofchem]

^^^HVani - which of your three appeals to non-snake people? Really curious about what you think causes that acceptance...

 

[hypnoctopus]

I agree with most of the others here to just wait for a bit before you fill that last space.

I'm currently at 10 snakes in just over 2 years. My boyfriend is supportive, but he has told me in the past that he doesn't see why anyone would want more than 2 of any type of pet (and I also have 4 dogs). He more recently has said that he knows my snake hobby makes me happy, so he doesn't mind. My thoughts are that as long as the snakes (and dogs!) are getting the care they need and the time/money burden isn't overwhelming, then I'm at a comfortable level. I feel some guilt whenever I get a new one and honestly, I don't think my boyfriend knows how many I currently have. I still feel like I could handle more snakes easily, but I don't want to acquire them too quickly and get overwhelmed.

I would love more corns, but I'm also very interested in a black milk, a carpet python, and a dumerils boa, not to mention the non-snake species I would like!

 

[spyderk]

Would you wait, knowing you have a bag of pinks that you could share between your two smallest snakes? If I wait until later, I'll be buying the pinks at pet store prices because one snake will take awhile to go through 50.

I guess that's it. It makes more economical sense to me to get one more now or none later. I did find one I like that is going to be going to a nearby reptile show, but that's it. Just looking at pictures!

I'm talking to him more and becoming more fine with just not getting any more, too. It'll be fine no matter what.

 

[HVani]

^^^HVani - which of your three appeals to non-snake people? Really curious about what you think causes that acceptance...

My adult snow female. Even when she was at the pet store, people would really come around when she was out. She's very easy going and curious.