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The Joke Thread

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 4", strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a west Texas sheriff's department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the chief deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The chief deputy said, "You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "attitude suitability test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the chief said, "take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six democrats and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the chief deputy. "When can you start?"
 
What if I won the lottery ...

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“ I’d take half and leave you” she says.

“Great” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch”.
 
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

:sidestep:
 
A sweet elderly lady in the pew saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere:

Dear Lord,
The last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite
actor - James Garner, my favorite actress - Lauren Bacall,
my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers
and finally, my favorite author - Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are:
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

Amen.
 
Early one morning an elderly retired Army vet yelled to his wife,

"Honey, come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency."

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet, and come eat your breakfast!”
 
Three kids see a man in a lake drowning. They pull him out and save him. The man says he is rich and powerful and says name anything they want. The first kid says" I need a new bike". The man says "fine, done". The second kid says" I want to go to Disneyworld ". The man says "fine, done". The third kid says "I want a wheelchair ". The man looks the kid up and down and says" a wheelchair? You look ok to me". The kid says "as soon as my dad finds out I saved Barrack Obama, he's gonna break both of my legs!".
 
tsst said:
Early one morning an elderly retired Army vet yelled to his wife,

"Honey, come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency."

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet, and come eat your breakfast!”
Click to expand...
Lol! Like it.
 
Mommy

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside and asked him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

"No," the boy said, "she works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
 
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