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How would you feel about this?

smigon

smigon

Old enough to know better
Just over two years ago my husband's best friend was going through a divorce. We let him live here while he figured things out. I loved Mike, I tucked him in every night with a "woobie" (my grandmother's quilt) and would go out of my way for him, even so far as to drive all around our subdivision one afternoon during a sudden monsoon because he had gone on a bike ride. I found him huddled with a woman and her two kids against a block wall who were taking a walk and got caught in it too, I took them home then came back for Mike. He even said to them "I told you she would come find me!" because that is the kind of person I am.

During this time I had rescued a pregnant cat (Amy) and two weeks later Mike and I took turns watching and waking each other up when another was being delivered, we took video and pics (I am certain Amy was NOT happy, but I have never seen anything like it) and sort of bonded. There were 5 kittens and Amy, I wanted them all to go in pairs to good homes. 2 pairs were snapped up and the fifth kitten and Mike bonded, and he said he would take him and mom Amy when he moved. In this time he also bought a puppy. The puppy destroyed about $1000 of patio furniture and indoor furniture and I used our pool only once that summer because the dog kept jumping in and shaking all over me while I tried to relax in the sun.

One weekend Jim and I were going to the Hot Air Balloon Festival in Albuquerque and Mike was going to be moving out of the house into one he just bought, was taking the kitten, Amy and his dog with him. I asked him to do a little light cleaning as we were bringing my parents back here to Phoenix, and I wanted it to look decent when we arrived home.

We got here and not only was the place a wreck, Amy was locked in the room where she had her kittens, Mike took the kitten and his dog and booked. I was devastated. Poor Amy has her kittens all taken away and is locked in a room by herself, the other bedroom where Mike slept was in shambles, my parents went elsewhere to stay.

Jim and he remained best friends (he is the calm to my storm), but I didn't talk to Mike for almost two years. We did go over to his new house when he was out of town to feed the dog and the cat, and I looked around the house and found my grandma's quilt on his bed (along with the fairly pricy sheets he used here) in almost total shreds.

I left the sheets (not even worth saving) but Grandma's quilt was so filthy and ripped in places I burst into tears.

I also found several pieces of furniture that were ours that we let him use until he bought his own, I packed up as much as I could and brought it back with us.

Fine, friendship over, I know who he really is now.

Two years later, I happened to pick up Jim's phone and there was a text from Mike on it (I NEVER read his emails or texts, but when I picked the phone up it turned on and there was the message). He took the kitten (now full grown) and his dog to the pound. His new girlfriend had a cat that didn't get along with the other animals.

I was LIVID. I asked Jim about it, he said he didn't want to tell me because he knew how upset I'd be, which I actually appreciated.

I was just glad he didn't take Amy, she has been the sweetest cat and Jim's new girlfriend.

Now he is getting married and wants us to be in the wedding, Jim as his best man. The saving grace is that it is in St. Louis (they are both from there like we are) and Jim said he couldn't afford it or get the time off.

How would you feel about this? I have no problem with he and Jim being friends, Jim is so laid back and not much bothers him, so I get that. But as much as Mike knows how upset and disappointed I was (and still am), he never bothered to apologize for anything.

I don't know if I am writing this to check myself and emotions, but am I wrong to not ever want to see someone again after what he did to not only me but to the animals?

Thanks for the ear and the shoulder to cry on.
 
Is he already in St. Louis? I would be heading to the shelter to pick up that kitty if he's still local. I would be mad too, not just about the animals, but also about his general selfishness when you guys went out of your way to help him.
 
I would hate him for life, and based on the severity of the offense I would expect my husband to hate him too, on my behalf. I would also be pissed about husband not telling me about the pound situation.
 
Nanci, I don't know of anyone else personally that I HATE in life, but I do hate him, and nothing can ever change that. He took advantage of us, but that is who he is, I found out too late. Jim WAS pissed at him and went off on him for all that he has done to us, but Jim never stays mad at anyone. I was mad at Jim for a minute, but Jim really did feel he was protecting me by not telling me, knowing I would break down over it. It seems cold and selfish, but I know how much Jim loves me and he knows my tolerance level for people like his brother and Mike. In his heart of hearts he was protecting me, even though it doesn't seem that way.

Mike lives here in Maricopa and Jim still hangs out with him. He didn't tell Jim where he took them, but said it was a no kill shelter (don't know if I believe that). This was also about a month after Mike dumped them that the message came through, and I didn't see it for a few weeks after that. As for Jim's friendship with Mike, it isn't like it was before, but they are pretty much just drinking buddies, they go to a local bar once every week or two.

He knows how I feel about Mike and apparently didn't want to tell me because he knows how I would react and we really can't take on another cat with all the cat hatred we have in the house now. Only two of my 6 cats get along, and this would be one of Amy's sons Mike had, I am sure he wouldn't get along with his sisters and mom since none of them get along anyway.

I just keep telling myself that he found a great home where he is happy and that is what I have to do to stay sane. If we did find him and adopt him, the stress level would just escalate, and even now I am trying to find one of the girls a new home since she is the instigator, just a half hour ago Jim saw Cub bully her sister into a corner and Joey pooped on the floor because Cub wouldn't let her near the litterbox. Jim couldn't get to her in time. Cub is AWESOME when she is alone with us, a total sweetheart, but just hates other cats. I work with an animal rescue and even I can't find her a home where she'd be the only pet (I don't know how she would do with dogs) and it breaks my heart to see everyone on eggshells. They are kitties, they should be playing and having fun, and they do until Cub shows up.

I feel bad for Jim, there really aren't any people here in Maricopa who he can hang out with, and he is lonely for that since I am not a social butterfly, and to go hang out with people we work with it is a half hour drive at least, and he already has a DUI from when we first moved here and refuses to drink and drive, but a cab would cost so much it isn't worth it.

Jim has the biggest heart, and grew up with a brother who is a complete and total asshole, but Jim always included him in everything and would go hang out with him in St. Louis just because Scott has no friends. I think he sees that in Mike, and that is why he is still friends with him.

Now Jim just told me that Mike's fiancee told him that Mike is really upset that Jim won't be at the wedding, and asked how many miles I had for a free flight. I told him that if Mike wants him there then Mike can pay for it. (I looked it up, and that IS proper wedding etiquette for the couple to pay for their wedding party's transportation unless they offer themselves!)

Thanks for being my friends, I love you for that, and being there for me when I feel like this. I so appreciate it.
 
So sorry your furniture got destroyed puppies will do this as for the cat happy she is still around sorry about grandmas quilt
I was very attached to my grandmother was very hurt and upset when she died
If you get to the wedding have fun if you don't maybe it is meant to be that way
 
To me it, and only knowing as much as the story tells, he sounds like the kind of person who doesn't care about anyone or anything except himself. Not someone I would want to associate with personally.
 
DO NOT go to that wedding. My boyfriend and I made this mistake once.

My boyfriend's cousin(who I will call R) was living at his house(sorry, living, I probably should have said free-loading) for about a year. During that time his -you know what- of a fiancee had the urge to ask my boyfriend if he was gay. My boyfriend got HIGHLY offended, her reason for asking was because my boyfriend and I are waiting to have intercourse until we are married, as a personal choice. Apparently in her eyes, that automatically makes my BF gay.

Of course, neither of them ever apologized.

This year in may, they got married, might I mention it was the day after my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend. They decided to get married in vegas, we were invited and decided to be nice and go to it. R's mom drove us there, boy do we regret letting her do that...
Here's where all the problems began...

The first problem was, we didn't get to go to the strip until 11:00PM because R didn't have the decency to tell us we were going to be stuck at his friend's house for a 6-year-olds birthday party until they got hotels situated(why weren't they already?)

Okay, so, after that, R didn't even get us a hotel(which is what I fear will happen to you if you got to this wedding), so he let us stay in his. My boyfriend and I decided to walk the strip, so we at least got some good times on our anniversary. 1 hour later R tells us to come back to the hotel.
Apparently his fiancee got pissed that we were staying in their hotel room and kicked not only us out, but R as well!

He spent the night in his car, and my boyfriend and I got to sleep on the couch at his friend's house... Couldn't they have at least gotten us a room at Circus Circus? The rooms are literally $30 a night, I would have booked us a room if R didn't swear he had it all situated.

They never apologized in person, they sent us a letter with the worst apology ever which pretty much said "You know how family can be" WHAT?

As for your husbands friendship with Mike, let him be friends, if they have a good time together, why ruin his time? Just don't let him bring the guy around... I told my boyfriend I don't ever want to see his cousin again, which sucks because we were friends in high school, but I really don't want to associate myself with such a... (sometimes I wish I could say what I want on here lol)
 
Smigon, honestly I know it sounds so cliche, but hating him hurts you more than it will ever hurt him, he probably doesn't even notice or care that you hate him, but at the same time there's NO excuse for treating people (or animals) the way he did. My honest advise would be to do your best to cut him out of your life so that he can't hurt you anymore, and then try to forgive everyone involved (including yourself if you blame yourself at all) for all the things that hurt you, so that they can't continue to hurt you. This is not to let him off the hook, only to ease the pain in your own heart.

My feeling is there's no reason for you to spend your money or "free" miles to go to a wedding of someone who clearly doesn't care about you or anyone but themselves. The only reason I would ever go is if my husband really wanted to and asked me to do it for him... but not for Mike!

Just my 2 cents... from a girl that's been through a few rodeos. ;)
 
albertagirl said:
Smigon, honestly I know it sounds so cliche, but hating him hurts you more than it will ever hurt him, he probably doesn't even notice or care that you hate him, but at the same time there's NO excuse for treating people (or animals) the way he did. My honest advise would be to do your best to cut him out of your life so that he can't hurt you anymore, and then try to forgive everyone involved (including yourself if you blame yourself at all) for all the things that hurt you, so that they can't continue to hurt you. This is not to let him off the hook, only to ease the pain in your own heart.

My feeling is there's no reason for you to spend your money or "free" miles to go to a wedding of someone who clearly doesn't care about you or anyone but themselves. The only reason I would ever go is if my husband really wanted to and asked me to do it for him... but not for Mike!

Just my 2 cents... from a girl that's been through a few rodeos. ;)
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I agree with this.
No need to focus any attention (hate) on him, and I would not waste time (and most likely increase frustration) by going to the wedding.
 
I want to add I'm really sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated this way after truly doing their best to help another person out in a tough spot.

I kinda believe in karma... someone somewhere will give him back what he gave out, and someone somewhere will be there for you in a tough spot. In the end I just always have hope that it all balances out.
 
I wouldn't go he obviously took advantage of you and your husband once and betrayed your trust multiple times, who knows if he's just going to pull that crap again if you go out there. Then you're out money, time and a friendship that wasn't worth the effort in the first place.
 
Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. We will see what happens with the wedding, I will let you know. I know I personally WILL NOT attend the wedding.
 
albertagirl said:
Smigon, honestly I know it sounds so cliche, but hating him hurts you more than it will ever hurt him...try to forgive everyone involved (including yourself if you blame yourself at all) for all the things that hurt you, so that they can't continue to hurt you. This is not to let him off the hook, only to ease the pain in your own heart.
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This is good advice, and very hard to put into practice!
 
Nanci said:
This is good advice, and very hard to put into practice!
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I totally agree, and thank you, AlbertaGirl for sharing it. I don't wake up hating him, and rarely think of him even. I don't spend nights awake wondering if I should put sugar in his gas tank, super-gluing his door locks, whatever, this just came up because Jim told me that Carrie (Mike's fiancee) told him Mike really wanted him there and Jim was asking me for free miles. It just made me think of all the things he did, and I just needed to vent.

He is who he is, he is not someone I will ever let abuse my trust again.

One of the best lines I ever heard was years ago, someone said "if they aren't paying rent to your mind, evict them".

Loves to you all.
 
It sounds like you are already mostly "over it" since you rarely think of him and are not plotting revenge, lol! The only reason it came up is because of the wedding. So that is like forgiving, in a way. It just means that he can't hurt you anymore unless you put yourself in a position to let that happen. And I can see that you won't do that.

So your problem is mostly solved. But his will be with him the rest of his life, unless he changes a lot. I also believe in a sort of karma. I don't think each good or bad deed will be repaid tit for tat. But I do believe that if you continually do good or bad, the universe (or just people in general) will eventually give you back some of what you have put in. Maybe it is a universal form of the old GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) term that computer people used to use, lol???
 
kathylove said:
It sounds like you are already mostly "over it" since you rarely think of him and are not plotting revenge, lol! The only reason it came up is because of the wedding. So that is like forgiving, in a way. It just means that he can't hurt you anymore unless you put yourself in a position to let that happen. And I can see that you won't do that.

So your problem is mostly solved. But his will be with him the rest of his life, unless he changes a lot. I also believe in a sort of karma. I don't think each good or bad deed will be repaid tit for tat. But I do believe that if you continually do good or bad, the universe (or just people in general) will eventually give you back some of what you have put in. Maybe it is a universal form of the old GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) term that computer people used to use, lol???
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Yes, I am pretty much over it, and I love Jim so much that I want him to do what he wants to do. When the miles question came up it caused all those memories to come flooding back, and I know I can come here and find a good shoulder to lean or cry on.

And all those "revenge" tactics"? A true psychopath first boyfriend did those things to me which is why I thought of them now! I could NEVER do anything like that (unless you get between me and my brood!) so I don't want anyone to check if I am on the FBI's most wanted list.

Kathy, I am SO with you; Karma is real, I love "paying it forward" or doing something nice for someone who will never know it was me who did it.

Like the Smothers Brothers said (Tommy, I am sure!) "Do it to others before they do it to you!"
 
You have a great attitude about it, and I do understand how past feelings can flood like that.

Kathy always has great words of wisdom :)
 
Nanci said:
Kathy is always rational, unlike me- who is out for blood on behalf of my friends!
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Nanci, I think you and I would be great friends outside of this forum too! I tolerate things to a certain point, but I definitely have my limits.

I wish I could be so rational as Kathy all the time! At work my dealers call me "Mama Bear" because I don't put up with anyone cursing at them or abusing them in any manner, they say I "go Mama Bear on their ass"!

Nanci, like you I am very protective of my friends and people I work with, but this is a little different. This brought my husband into the mix, and he is a big boy and can make up his own mind, and as much as he knows my feelings about Mike if he wants to remain pals with him, so be it. I really think it stems back from being there for his brother who is like Mike, has no filter and doesn't consider the consequences. Jim is used to this, I would have walked away a long time ago.
 
In St. Louis I dealt Roulette most of the time, and one day I came in to a table with a young couple and another man. Being friendly, I asked if any of them had Player's Club cards to gain points on. The man said no, he really wasn't supposed to be in St. Louis. I asked him where he was supposed to be, he said Toledo. I said jokingly "eh, same hemisphere" and he looked at me and said "hem-is-phere. Pretty big word for a girl like you".

(here's where Karma jumps in)

I cleaned his clock within 5 minutes, he lost over $300 and left. The couple was still there and said as soon as he said that my eyes got so big that it almost scared them! They said there was NO hiding my feelings behind my facial expression. Anyone who knows me says the same thing, you KNOW when I am pissed, and should probably step away!
 
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