Guruofchem
New member
I'm a native Texan, and laughed hard enough to fall out of my chair over the chili joke. Well played!
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The Joke Thread
- Thread starter GoFride
- Start date
Carpe Serpentis
Hybrid Snake Lover
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ... that will make you cry.
What do you get if you cross a snake with a kangaroo?
A jump rope!
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an agnostic?
Someone who rings your doorbell,but he doesn't know why.
An old snake goes to see his Doctor."Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
A piece of ... that will make you cry.
What do you get if you cross a snake with a kangaroo?
A jump rope!
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an agnostic?
Someone who rings your doorbell,but he doesn't know why.
An old snake goes to see his Doctor."Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Walter Smith
CRAZY BOUT' CORNS !!
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a dump...........
The bear turns to the rabbit and says excuse me, do you have a problem with S#!T sticking to your fur??...........
The rabbit says, NO........
So the bear whiped his @$$ with the rabbit :grin01:
Walter
:crazy02:BOUT' CORNS !!
The bear turns to the rabbit and says excuse me, do you have a problem with S#!T sticking to your fur??...........
The rabbit says, NO........
So the bear whiped his @$$ with the rabbit :grin01:
Walter
:crazy02:BOUT' CORNS !!
tsst
Deuce is watching!
"After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the
last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of
their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the
phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!"
last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of
their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the
phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!"
tsst
Deuce is watching!
A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.
A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.
There was a missionary living with a remote tribe in Africa. One day one of the women gave birth to a white baby. The chief called for the missionary. " You are in big trouble- one of the women has given birth to a white baby. " The missionary told the chief he had nothing to do with it. "What do you mean- you are the only white man that has been around here for over a year. " The missionary tried to explain that the baby was an albino, but the chief didn't understand. Just then the missionary saw some sheep and had an idea: " It's an albino- you know-a freak of nature. It's like those sheep out there- see how they're all white except for that one black one? " The chief thought for a moment and then said- "I won't say no more about that baby if you don't say no more about that sheep."
xoxocammyxoxo
New member
^^ OMG HAHHA
tsst
Deuce is watching!
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
daddio207
THUG FROG !
President George W Bush got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice, and I got one for Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
:nyah:
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice, and I got one for Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
:nyah:
tsst
Deuce is watching!
Funny that way too. Except you should have used Rep John Bohner and Sen John McCain.
daddio207
THUG FROG !
I wanted to use Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann but didn't want to rewrite the whole joke......
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
tsst
Deuce is watching!
Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Mexicans, Asians, and Americans were in a plane whose engines were failing, so the pilot said "throw out whatever you have the most of in your country."
So the Mexicans threw out all the beans, the Asians threw out the rice, and the Americans threw out all of the Mexicans...
Sent from my XT1031 using Tapatalk
So the Mexicans threw out all the beans, the Asians threw out the rice, and the Americans threw out all of the Mexicans...
Sent from my XT1031 using Tapatalk
LittleFrog
New member
A guy was driving past a farm down a country road, when BAM! He hits and kills a rooster! Feeling terrible, he goes up to the farm house and rings the door bell. When the farmer answers, the guy tells him "Sir, I'm very sorry, but I accidentally hit and killed your rooster. I feel terrible, and I'd like to replace him if I can." The farmer shrugged and said "Suit yerself, the hens are 'round back."