SERIOUSLY THE BEST THING I HAVE READ ON THE INTERNET TODAY. I hope the snake finds a great home!!!
"After many years, and despite the reassurances of the shorter members of the family, I am now the sole caregiver for one 4 ft Oakenfield Corn Snake. As it turns out, I don't really like snakes, so I am getting rid of him to a good home for free.
His name is Phil. Despite his masculine name, I am not sure whether he is a male or a female. You see, snakes' genitalia are internal to their body, and I have never had the inclination to stick my finger inside of a snake. Trust me, when someone suggests you are hung like a snake, it is no compliment. But I digress.
Phil is roughly 3-4ft long, fairly even tempered, and dines almost exclusively on cute (but quite frozen) little white mice. I used to name his frozen dinners in honor of their lives given for his sustenance, but now I just call them all Mr. Cuddles. It makes it easier for both him and me. He comes with a terrarium, a drinking pool, a heating pad, a tiny little tree, and a sense of self-worth that is quite frankly unfounded. He is red and orange, and very snakey-slithery-nightmarey (if you are in to that sort of thing). Here are many of his best traits:
- Great for kids!!! Especially if you hate your kids!!! Sure, they'll ask for some cuddly puppy, or a cute kitten, or even some overgrown but adorable hamster. Imagine their little faces when you pull out this mass of coiled scales and needle-like fangs!! They'll look deep into his black, unblinking eyes and know he's saying "I love you back!" Or maybe he's saying, "I'd eat you if I were bigger and you were smaller." I don't know, Phil isn't much of a conversationalist.
- Very Loving! Well, if you consider the distant, detached way in which he loves very loving, then you probably had a very bad childhood with yuppie parents, but it will bring back those nostalgic feelings.
- He never bites! Of course, this only seems to apply to the non-root patriarchs in your family. If you are said root patriarch, Phil may challenge your authority every single time you try to feed him by viciously attacking your fingers. This is true even if you put the mouse on his little feeding pad -- he knows you are the alpha male and needs to establish his dominance BY GOD! Use tongs and don't let him get the upper hand. I'm sure he'd love to sleep with your wife and assume the role of Dad if he got the chance. He'd leave you in the tiny cage to only feast on something that makes hairballs when you poop.
- When you are hopped up on what your friends assure you was purely just a funny smelling cigarette, he will sing to you. It's an Irish bardic tale about how one time the little ones let him out of the cage for an afternoon of adventure and pooping. He successfully hid his treasures all over the house for the big dumb one to find, which he never did!! Ha! He thinks it's hilarious. I just think it's stinky, but hell, it is one catchy tune.
Please take delightful Phil off my hands and take good care of him."
