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Ex-smokers... I need help

NFS07

NFS07

Stolen
I've run out of ideas so I hope that someone who used to smoke and was able to quit will be able to help me.

Andrew, my boyfriend, has been smoking since high school and after joining the Marine Corps and going to Iraq his intake increased to about 2 packs a day. I was not with him at that time, we just started dating in April after he got back from Iraq. I knew him through high school, I have known him for almost 7 years now and he has always known I dont like smokers. I just don't. To ME its a nasty habit and not one I am willing to deal with. Before we started dated I told him he needed to quit and he said he would if I would be there to support him. So I said ok and about a month in he stopped cold turkey. Keep in mind he is in NC and Im in VA so the support is mostly over the phone and when I am down there to see him. I did my best to support him but he never really talked to me about it and when I would ask how it was going he would say ok. If I asked when was the last time he would tell me and almost every time I asked he had smoked. I know its hard but I thought the point of quiting cold turkey was not to smoke. Not to give in to those wants. He has told me that his main triggers are stress and drinking. So I told him to call me when he gets stressed out but he does not. I find out later he was stressed and smoking. When I ask why he did not call he says he did not want to stress me out by telling me. The rinking one.. either dont drink or don't smoke while drinking. The reason Im typing this is because Im out of ideas with how to help him. So the point of all this is how do I help him? How can I support him better and be there for him to come to? What are things I can say to help? I want to be with him but smoking is not something I want to deal with... I wont deal with it.

Im looking for support, harsh or not. If you have something to say please make sure you have something to offer also. I have a thick skin but I will not stand for someone attacking me because I dont like smoking and think its nasty. I understand that to some people its their life line but I have never smoked anything and I never will. And if anyone says that I should leave him I might flip. I want to try and make things work first. [This is here mainly because it seems like there are a lot of trolls out there these days.]
 
As a smoker. My only advice is to give him support through his ups and downs. If he is really serious about quitting it will happen. I have heard it takes 8 TIMES to try quiting before it happens. Is that what happens every time? nope. My mom quit cold turkey after 50 years of smoking lucky strikes.

I on the other hand quit for a year and a half and made the mistake of having one with my neighbor while we enjoyed beers after work. 1 led to another and before you knew it i was hooked again.

Please, if you love him give him unconditional support and be there for him no matter what.
 
I know you asked for advice from quitters, but alas I cannot give you that, as I am still a smoker.
My boyfriend is in a similar situation as you are. He really hates smoking, hates the smell and of course hates what it does to someone. I understand him, but haven't been able to really quit yet.
I tried several ways to quit, all of which I personally know someone for whom it worked. But it didn't for me. My conclusion at this point - and this is for me personally, can't speak for other people- is that the physical withdrawelstage, while it feels really horrible, can be overcome. It doesn't last very long, for me about a week (some say four days, others say two weeks). It's a teeth crunching time, but you have to get through it.
MUCH worse is the addiction in your head. Somehow you're convinced life will be less fun without smoking, that if you give it up, some of the colors will dissapear from life (not litterally :)), in general that life will be harder.
And as much as you see around you that that belief is not true at all (all those non-smokers don't seem to be less happy, strange eh :)) it's unbelievably hard to make that "klick". It makes me really feel stupid sometimes, but still, up to now, that's the way it is.

Please keep helping him, it might take a lot of time untill he gets where he's heading. And please never get angry with him. I can assure you he'll be angry enough for the both of you, every time he fails, because of the failing itself, and because he knows you'll be dissapointed.

Has he read the Allan Carr book ? Maybe he should, It has helped a lot of people, and it can really make things clear. It's not about threaths about your health and pics of smokers lungs and stuff like that because *quote* "it only makes a smoker nervous, and what does a smoker do when he's nervous? ... right!" :)

Hang in there!
 
He can't quit if he doesn't sincerely want to. He won't be able to quit just because you want him too. The only way I know to quit that works is just quit and never ever have another smoke no matter what or you WILL start again. You just have to never have that next one.
 
Keep up with the support. Its very important! Dont nag though because that only adds to the stress. I, too, have tried a few times to quit but sadly at the moment I still do but one thing I have found that works is the little white plastic nicotine 'cig'. My Main trigger is stress too. 2 weeks ago, I tried to commit suicide so ya, stress can do all kinds of things to you and its what made me start to smoke again. Being that he was in Iraq and seen any action what so ever, that can still play into it some too. So, I guess my advice would be to just support him in every attempt he makes to quit, dont nag about it and hang in there. Sorry to say this but if he sneaks one once in awhile and other than that he is a great guy.... you have it made lol :) Not too many great guys out there anymore and he is Trying... just support that and hang in there. It will happen when he can do it for the final time :) Good luck!
 
Nanci nailed it on the head. It doesn’t matter in the least how much you want him to quit it will never happen until he decides he wants to quit. That above all else it the number one requirement.

If he decides to quit, there is a new drug on the market called Chantix. It requires a prescription and is expensive. I have used it and it really helps. It takes the place of nicotine in the brain. It plugs up the receptors so your brain thinks you have all the nicotine in the world. Your body does not crave nicotine and when you do smoke you don’t get the rush that you are used to. You can go ahead and smoke, it just doesn’t do anything for you. As a result all that is left is the habit of smoking, which is easier for most people to handle than the addiction to nicotine. It really does help.

Your part is to support him and love him weather he smokes or not. When he fails, and he will, he will beat himself up just fine without your help. Your criticism and nagging will only make it worse. That is a very hard assignment for you but believe me I speak from the experience of someone who has quit a hundred times.
 
If he wants to quit (key - psychological part of the addiction), sunflower seeds solved the oral fixation part of the addiction. Water, lots and lots and lots of water helped with the nicotine part of the addiction. Three years, 1 month, and 21 days later I still need a handful of spits after meals. ;) . . . and while driving.

Sunflower seeds. If you can find a local elevator, they may be able to order big bags for you. I don't waste my time with store seeds. 25# bags for $16.50 of the best, and biggest, seeds around!

D80

PS. Seeds worked after everything else short of acupuncture failed.
 
As mentioned, the most critical part is seriously wanting to quit. My husband quit first, and quit drinking as well, and said it was actually very easy. He is NOT the norm! I tried at about the same time to quit smoking (I didn't have the drinking problem he did), but ended up just limiting my smoking to work and a few in the car, but not at home...and lying to the family about it. Really sucked, but the habit is a hard one to beat. Yes, I was down to about 6 cigarettes a day instead of a pack or a little more, which I think really helped in the end, and the day hubby caught me with one (sneaked up on me at work one day in Jan '07) that was it and I stopped completely. I had already gone through alot of the withdrawal, but then, I needed to smoke most while at work due to the stress. And trust me, they put my name and photo next to a few choice words in the encyclopedia for the next few months. I didn't do sunflower seeds (wish I had) but did increase my food intake as now I had a full lunch break at work to fill...without smoking through 2/3 of it. And even though I did try to keep to healthy foods, my metabolism changed as well and I gained a good 40+ pounds that are still with me.

But it has been 2 years and about 9 months and not a cigarette. And every day, I still want one. The best advice I can give is to support him when he succeeds as well as when he has a failure. Even if he is able to decrease the amount he smokes, that is a good thing. And the day will come that he really wants to completely stop, and he will. When that happens, he will need you the most. He will be suffering from complete withdrawal and you will probably hate everything he says and does. He will not be himself, but you must just accept the fact that in time, it will pass and he'll be his old self again. He needs to focus on one day at a time and he will eventually start to feel good about the fact that he survived whatever time frame he succeeds (the magic time is around day 3-4 as that's about when the body and mind really demands that cigarette). After a certain amount of time, he'll realize that he survived without a cigarette for those few days and will tell himself that he's strong enough to make it through the next afternoon, then into the next morning, etc, etc, not wanting to give in to the urge, and eventually, it will be a month, then a year, and so on.

If he has a relapse, even on the first day, make him understand that he stopped for X hours today, which is fantastic, and to try for just one hour more tomorrow. Don't push because it just won't work. Applaud each small success and he'll try to make them larger on his own. Cold turkey is really rough. If he can do it, great, but it seems that he's the kind that will need to take it in steps at first. It's a difficult addiction to break. I smoked for over 30 years, even through 2 pregnancies, but managed to quit when, and only when, I finally decided I wanted to. I know I've rambled, but I hope that in at least a small way, I've helped both you and him. I wish him the strength and desire to succeed in beating his addiction!
 
I used the nicorette inhaler worked like a charm like it has been said b4 I wanted to quit bad smoked for 10+ years.I have not had a smoke in 5+ and believe I never will again good luck..
 
I can't help with ideas for supporting your boyfriend, mine still smokes after 12 years of us being together.

I used to smoke though, just threw them away one day and never looked back. I think a lot of it has to do with your frame of mind. So many people say they are going to "try" and quit, "trying" leaves you with the option of failing and not feeling bad for doing so. You are either a smoker or a nonsmoker, there is no middle ground. Smoking less or only at certain times isn't going to work for most people, you need to do it all at once and get it out of your system.
Maybe its just me who feels like this but I got off meth years ago when the same line of though, I just quit.
 
I've promised Matt that I'll quit smoking and I stand by that promise still! I really do want to quit! However,(and he'll be soooo ticked off to read this if he does)I have been smoking while I'm away. What I went through was just too much and I have no support system here to tell me "You don't need it!" I'm literally living with 2 smokers who smoke over a pack a day and a smoker who smokes at least 1 pack a day. They aren't going to support me! Hopefully, when I have that support system back at some point,I'll be able to do it and do it for good!

That may be part of the problem. I can have someone "support" me over the phone all they want. Doesn't stop me from smoking though! I need someone in front of me saying "you're not having a cigarette!" And someone who will support me during the withdrawals and mood swings. It's funny. Whenever I'm in an enviroment where smoking isn't allowed,I never have the urge to smoke. Not even when I'm in that enviroment for days! However,as soon as I'm in an enviroment that allows it with no problems then I WANT a cigarette!
 
waldo said:
So many people say they are going to "try" and quit, "trying" leaves you with the option of failing and not feeling bad for doing so. You are either a smoker or a nonsmoker, there is no middle ground.
Click to expand...

That just reminded me of Yoda. "No! Do not try. Do, or do not. There is no try!"
 
MinLynn said:
I've promised Matt that I'll quit smoking and I stand by that promise still! I really do want to quit! However,(and he'll be soooo ticked off to read this if he does)I have been smoking while I'm away. What I went through was just too much and I have no support system here to tell me "You don't need it!" I'm literally living with 2 smokers who smoke over a pack a day and a smoker who smokes at least 1 pack a day. They aren't going to support me! Hopefully, when I have that support system back at some point,I'll be able to do it and do it for good!

That may be part of the problem. I can have someone "support" me over the phone all they want. Doesn't stop me from smoking though! I need someone in front of me saying "you're not having a cigarette!" And someone who will support me during the withdrawals and mood swings. It's funny. Whenever I'm in an enviroment where smoking isn't allowed,I never have the urge to smoke. Not even when I'm in that enviroment for days! However,as soon as I'm in an enviroment that allows it with no problems then I WANT a cigarette!
Click to expand...

HERE is all the support you need! Your son said he thinks your lungs are going to turn into ask like a burn barrel and you will die! (piese stp smokimg mom ) scooter typer that!
 
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