S.O's feelings with animals/pets

[Nanci]

I will be really honest I know that everyones relationship rules are unique to their relationship but I don't ask permission. I may choose to ask about his opinions or I might choose to discuss financial issues regarding pet additions, but I have never asked for permission. Likewise my husband does not need to ask my permission to run his life either. Obviously we are married because we care very much about each other and so that means how my husband feels about pets matters to me a lot, and I weigh his feelings very heavily, and I always try to make sure that nothing I do would make my husband miserable. QUOTE]

Nellie, you have got to be one of the most _balanced_ people I know. Your children are angels, your husband sounds kind and caring, I highly respect your views on politics and the world in general. You are a lucky person!

 

[wstphal]

Seriously relationships & marriages involve compromise. If there is only compromise on one side, there are deeper issues than the number of pets.

For me, my pets are not negotiable, they were here first.

 

[Dinah]

Your children are angels, your husband sounds kind and caring, I highly respect your views on politics and the world in general. You are a lucky person!

Correction my kids public misdeeds are handled with swift discreetness to ensure that they do not escalate into public rudeness and parental embarrassment. And if that fails we leave, but mostly I am just lucky because they are both naturally low key which makes kid management easy. Of course if you see them at reptile events they in all lieklyhood are going to be be using their manners. At a show they are very highly motivated to behave because they really want to stay and it has been stressed to them that behaving foolishly around living creatures can be dangerous for them and the animals. And they are well aware that for everyone's safety parents cannot slack about enforcing safety rules ever....I am still endlessly working on the don't run in the kitchen because sometimes things are hot safety rule. While I don't slack about enforcing the rule they are not quite as motivated to behave at home.

While possibly bias I do think my husband is amazing, but I always take the credit for myself because I am after all the one that picked him. I always joke with his mom and say "Of course he's great I wasn't about to say yes to just any ole schmo." Some things in life are negotiable and some things are not the difficult part is telling them apart. I just knew way deep down inside that I would never be able to happily cope with any sort of boundaries placed on my ability to make decisions for myself regarding how to run my life. It just brings out this incredibly defiant streak in me. My Dad always said it was the Irish in me, my Mother blames it on the resilient southerner in me...maybe some sort of double trouble :shrugs:.

 

[o7sugar]

I think you should take your time building your collection, too. Breeding is a huge job, bigger than it sounds, and a lot of responsibility to take on. You have to first get the parent snakes to hook up, then monitor the female to make sure she is gravid, then, if she's gravid, you must buy an incubator with very specific requirements for humidity and heat and gently place any eggs she drops in it, while making she she doesn't become eggbound, and once the babies hatch you'll need to regularly clean, 2 - 30 containers including the parents' tanks at any given time, plus buy and thaw out all the food, keep track of who's eating and gaining weight and who's not, find everyone homes, and then you'll probably worry whether they went to good homes or not! Besides that, in a few months you may find snakes or animals you find more interesting. For example, when I first got into the hobby, my whole world was corn snakes. But after caring for one for quite some time, and checking out my friends' collections of varied reptiles, I've found that, while I love my current corn, I would never get one again as they're rather bland snakes in terms of personality and activity.

Oh, I totally understand that it would take a lot of hard work, and I'm thinking sometime in the future like 5-10 years before I would actually get serious about breeding! I still need to learn the genetics behind the different morphs, and where I would actually want to go with it. Still it's only just a thought too--I may only end up wanting a handful of snakes just for my own personal satisfaction
As far as everything else goes, I just don't know if he has a resentment with his mom and sister and is now carrying it over to me??? Now I feel like I'm just making excuses but I definately need to find out or I'm going to go absolutely crazy holding this in!
He grew up with cats, dogs, 5 horses at one time. I however grew up with my moms one parakeet and we had hamsters growing up because my dad was sooooo allergic. So imagine an animal lover, (like I can tell ALOT of you are) in a house and you can't have a cat or a dog at that's all you yearned for! I even tried to tell my dad that you can pay for shots to take when your that allergic, than when he said that he didn't want to have to pay for those shots, I offered to pay for his shots, he said, 'we're not getting a dog'. WOW does that sound familliar :{
Sorry guys I feel like I'm just blabbering about this, thanks for listening to me ramble on.

 

[oneirogenesis]

I think there is a difference between bringing up your concerns with your partner and outright ignoring their needs/wants/wishes. For example, if my boyfriend felt that I was getting in over my head with pets, he would find a way to gently bring up his concerns with me and reach a compromise. That comes from a caring place. It sounds like your husband's only reasoning behind not getting more pets is that he just doesn't want them or like them. That doesn't come from a caring place. Simply saying "we're not doing that" echoes parental control to me, and that would make me uncomfortable. He doesn't have a right to make decisions on your behalf.

I think everyone needs to have a space that is their's alone, even in a marriage, and if you have that space and you're using your own finances and time to care for your snakes, then there needs to be a compromise. If that personal space doesn't exist for one or both of you then there is a larger issue.

I sincerely hope you guys find a way to compromise and be happy. I don't know what I would do if I was put in a position like your's. It is very hard. If you're making space and time for your husband's interests, I think you deserve the same in return.

 

[dionythicus]

Seriously relationships & marriages involve compromise. If there is only compromise on one side, there are deeper issues than the number of pets.

One of my favourite sayings from my mother,

"Marriage is never 50/50. Sometimes its 60/40, sometimes its 90/10."

You have to be able to work together to reach a mutual agreement. In our relationship, there are no absolutes. Of course, I have a man who doesn't care how many snakes I have, who helps with whatever I need to do (shots, etc), who loves our three dogs and too many cats. We support each other completely in whatever we want to do. When he brings home more music equipment, I just secretly know that someday he's going to be a superstar and I'll be able to afford ALL the snakes I want!! Mwa ha ha!!

 

[Kels88]

Dionythicus-
I'm married to a one-man-band...and I support his loves as he supports my artistic ventures. Even when I can't walk through the hallway b/c of the tuba. Thankfully we are both snake fans
But we have a general agreement to not bring home pets or make major purchases without bringing it up to the other first. Usually it's no big deal but thus far it has prevented any fights on the matter. This will probably get even more lax once we aren't on the poor college student budget and in a smallish apartment

 

[wstphal]

One of my favourite sayings from my mother,

"Marriage is never 50/50. Sometimes its 60/40, sometimes its 90/10."

Your mom is right. But notice she didn't say 100/0. If one person doesn't support ANY of what the other wants to do, the marriage isn't working.

 

[Irish Eyes (Mrs.Z)]

Personal opinion: SOs don't OWN us, and vice versa. My husband and I don't have that kind of relationship. Luckily, we both love animals, but we ALWAYS discuss bringing another one home with each other FIRST. Because we love each other and care about each of our mental, physical, and emotional needs, we've found that by discussing possibilities prior to making snap decisions, we strengthen our relationship, rather than damaging it.

Then again, I know people who live by the motto "it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission". I just don't get it--I don't ask for PERMISSION (neither does Z), we ask how the other one FEELS about a possibility, finding the best solution for BOTH of us.

Of course, if one person in a relationship doesn't feel the same way, then I suppose they could get into a controlling and rebelling relationship. I always feel that those kinds of relationships aren't destined for successful long-term happiness for either person.

 

[ceduke]

I just talked this thread over with my hubby, and he actually agreed and is on board with the addition of a small rack once we're no longer renting. Cool!

He also said that if I get rid of my dog I can have so many snakes the floor undulates if I want! HA! Poor guy grew up with nice mellowish dogs, my Jack Russell mix is a wee bit overwhelming at times.

 

[Teddy Roosevelt]

Your mom is right. But notice she didn't say 100/0. If one person doesn't support ANY of what the other wants to do, the marriage isn't working.

That's true, Betsy, but in this case her husband is supporting what she wants to do. If he weren't, she wouldn't be getting the ONE snake. Another thing to keep in mind is that people who aren't in the hobby may not understand that you can keep 100+ snakes without much difficulty and still love them all, unlike a cat or a dog. To people outside our bubble, one snake can sound outrageous, but two is just plain crazy. Also, not to take the husbands side again, but there are two sides to every story. This lady (don't know your name, so sorry) paints it as him being somewhat unfair and refusing to see her through, but that could be because she's upset that he won't let her get two snakes. But once again, he is allowing her to have one, so he can't be a total animal-hating monster.

 

[wstphal]

That's true, Betsy, but in this case her husband is supporting what she wants to do. If he weren't, she wouldn't be getting the ONE snake. Another thing to keep in mind is that people who aren't in the hobby may not understand that you can keep 100+ snakes without much difficulty and still love them all, unlike a cat or a dog. To people outside our bubble, one snake can sound outrageous, but two is just plain crazy. Also, not to take the husbands side again, but there are two sides to every story. This lady (don't know your name, so sorry) paints it as him being somewhat unfair and refusing to see her through, but that could be because she's upset that he won't let her get two snakes. But once again, he is allowing her to have one, so he can't be a total animal-hating monster.

I agree! I was making a more general point, that marriages may be 50/50, 60/40, or 90/10, and I think the balance changes, that on one thing it may be 50/50 & on another 90/10, but it should not be 100/0. I wasn't really speaking directly to the OP.

 

[Irish Eyes (Mrs.Z)]

HA! Poor guy grew up with nice mellowish dogs, my Jack Russell mix is a wee bit overwhelming at times.

Tell him you want to compete in Flyball, and that you need a BorderJack to be the height dog. Ha! THAT would be overwhelming! LOL!

 

[ceduke]

Tell him you want to compete in Flyball, and that you need a BorderJack to be the height dog. Ha! THAT would be overwhelming! LOL!

I'm actually considering buying into a dog training franchise, and I'd need another dog to be a "demo dog" if I do. Jasper's mental stamina runs low after an hour or so and he ceases to enjoy working, so I'd need a dog that could go several hours at a time working. Hee hee hee...most of the other trainers have Malinois!

 

[wstphal]

I'm actually considering buying into a dog training franchise, and I'd need another dog to be a "demo dog" if I do. Jasper's mental stamina runs low after an hour or so and he ceases to enjoy working, so I'd need a dog that could go several hours at a time working. Hee hee hee...most of the other trainers have Malinois!

Your husband might be happier with one of those.

 

[ceduke]

Your husband might be happier with one of those.

Ah...I rather doubt it. The thought of owning a Mal makes ME exhausted. I don't think I could keep up with one for a full day.

 

[Shiari]

I'm actually considering buying into a dog training franchise, and I'd need another dog to be a "demo dog" if I do. Jasper's mental stamina runs low after an hour or so and he ceases to enjoy working, so I'd need a dog that could go several hours at a time working. Hee hee hee...most of the other trainers have Malinois!

Want Kumo? XD

 

[ceduke]

Want Kumo? XD

*Hides*

 

[Shiari]

But he'd be a *great* demo dog! And he's better behaved with a canine playmate. :3 C'moooon... you totally want him!

 

[desertanimal]

I think this distinction between asking permission and NOT asking permission is interesting.

I guess I ask permission. But I don't feel like I'm asking for a "yes" or "no" when I ask, "So, I would like to get this snake because I want to start working with this gene." Really what I'm asking is, "So, I know that you don't really want another snake in this room where we spend all our time, and I know we're being very careful about how we spend money right now, but I really want this and I want to know if the purchase would really bother you." Because if it's the money of purchase is going to bother her and not the having another snake, then I could do something like sell two others to offset the cost, thereby mitigating what would otherwise bother her about the new snake. There are always ways to get what you want while minimizing the negative impact of it on the other person, but I need to know if there's a negative impact that I should worry about minimizing or not. That's why I ask.

Eventually I will have a separate space and I imagine we'll decide on a certain yearly total expense allowance (I prefer having limits). In that case I'll never ask about particular purchases. But for now, since we're trying to be very mindful about money, we talk about most expenditures, even small ones. She asked me if I minded if she bought a new computer mouse two weeks ago. The one she had worked, but was very heavy and was bothering her wrist. Of course I didn't mind. But when she asks if I mind if she buys some really cute shoes, I do say, "Well, do they go with clothes you already have?" If the answer is no, then I say, "Well, do you really think you'll wear them if you get them, or do you want to buy clothes to go with them?" I don't say yes or no, I point out whether or not it meets the conditions for an expenditure with a good cost/benefit ratio. We do that both ways with everything right now, and snakes are no exception.

We probably won't do it quite so much later on in life. And we don't do it at all next year when we're living apart. We'll have separate budgets then.