Something I want to share.

[Elusive]

I got a pretty funny e-mail from some family and friends, I thought I'd like to share it with you all.
This one is from my friend.

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

This one is from my grandpa.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40-caliber, and you are
an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family.

What do you do?

................................................................


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out
of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
for few a
days and try to come to a consensus.



...............................................................



Republican's Answer:

BANG!


................................................................

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!



I'm obviously a Redneck

I hope that you found these jokes as funny as I thought they were, if you want you can post some jokes too!

 

[Elusive]

Here's another.

26 Things the Movies Taught You...

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

 

[Susan]

Thanks for making me snort another soda! (I really have to learn not to drink and read some of the stuff on this forum...)

I took the liberty of copying and sending "Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Redneck?" to hubby and Mom. It will be all over the net soon...if it isn't already!

 

[tom e]

I wonder if anyone here but this Democrat has ever locked and loaded on possible Islamic terrorists, lol.

The imagination is a funny thing..

 

[Susan]

I wonder if anyone here but this Democrat has ever locked and loaded on possible Islamic terrorists, lol.

Not in the past, but that could easily change, depending upon who holds the Presidential seat after the 4th......

 

[tom e]

Not in the past, but that could easily change, depending upon who holds the Presidential seat after the 4th......

Careful now, that comment could be interpreted as a Federal Crime.. oke: Not that I see it that way, just saying..

 

[dpreston66]

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

:rofl:

 

[The_Thunderer]

Those were GREAT!!! Thanks for making me laugh!!

 

[RobbiesCornField]

Not in the past, but that could easily change, depending upon who holds the Presidential seat after the 4th......

I agree whole-heartedly. :cheers:

 

[Elusive]

I have yet another joke. For all the people feeling like having a giggle.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

This next joke was pretty funny, but also too true. 21) for sure.

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as ''getting wasted.''

3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ''What's for dinner?''

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."

17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

20) You think a ''half-day'' means leaving at 5 o'clock.

21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

 

[Susan]

Careful now, that comment could be interpreted as a Federal Crime.. oke: Not that I see it that way, just saying..

I don't think Big Brother is completely finished and fully functional yet, so I should be fairly safe for the moment.

 

[EddieA]

I wonder if anyone here but this Democrat has ever locked and loaded on possible Islamic terrorists, lol.

I am 100% positive of it.

 

[Allison]

LOL! These jokes are great!