spirited "discussion"

[scottsquatch]

Or you can simply read it as, " I just fought with my wife about my cornsnake collection." It is so funny how "new" girlfriends claim to be OK with your hobbies and habits. Then, when said new girlfriend becomes "new wife" she suddenly does a 180 on ya! She always said "oh, I don't mind your cornsnake hobby, after all....you had the snakes before you knew me."

So anyway, after I bought a money order to place down as a deposit on a couple snakes I wanted, I hear this: "Your buying ANOTHER snake?!" (I only have 16 snakes and two racks. They only take up about 8 square feet of floor space in the EXTRA ROOM! Its all storage in there anyway!) So now I get a "You know honey, I really don't want to be over-run by snakes, and I don't want you spending all our money on snakes." I must admit, I was stunned and about to go totally wild! Boy was I miffed! The money she spends on pointless, totally unnecessary gifts for others and cosmetics ALONE completely dwarfs what I EVER spend on snakes. At this point I swallowed down all the bile that had risen up into my throat and thought, I better handle this without yelling or I am gonna come off on the losing end of this. So....I sat back and calmly pointed out all the money she has spent in the last 3 months alone on her hobbies. low and behold...it was more than I spend! Go figure huh? That quieted her down for a while.

Anyway, We have now come to a compromise. I feel I got the short end of the stick, but I have managed to guarantee my right to collect snakes and receive no complaints, opinions, or back talk whenever I buy more. Here's how it pans out... After this last snake purchase, I no longer get to spend any of my wages on snakes. The growth of my hobby is to be self sustaining. This is to include new racks, tubs, etc. However, I will have my own account for all profits I make selling hatchlings. This money will be mine alone. I can have as many snakes as I want as long as I am able to do it with my own profits. This deal is to exclude food (for now) due to the fact that she spends a small fortune on food and toys for the parrot and cockatiels. Over all, I think it is kind of unfair because she isn't being financially limited on her hobbies in any way, but she shook on it! She can NEVER say a word about me having or purchasing snakes. EVER AGAIN! THAT is the victory in this deal. The snakes have won a perminant place in my life. I will not break my agreement, but neither will I allow her to re-neg on our deal in ANY way. BTW, this agreement only applies to colubrids. No boas, pythons or hots allowed. But I don't like them or want them anyway, so I don't care.

After all this rambling, I gotta ask you all: Have any of you almost lost or been forced to extremely limit your collection due to fickle spouses? I would really like to here your stories.

 

[breedingcolors]

I am sorry for you Scott but happy that you settled an agrement. I am happy because in my case my husband is REALLY understandable with my hobbie.

Good luck and I hope this agrement will work for you.

 

[Lennycorn]

She can NEVER say a word about me having or purchasing snakes. EVER AGAIN! THAT is the victory in this deal.

.......neither will I allow her to re-neg on our deal in ANY way.


I been marry a loooooooooooooooooog time.

And she will say another word.

Sorry to say, you have no victory. :shrugs:

 

[Mary-Beth]

My husband has a fit every time I buy a snake. I've tried asking nicely, even though I feel like I shouldn't have to ask at all, but he still gets mad. I only have five snakes! :shrugs:
The thing that bothers me the most is that he can't give me a reason why he doesn't want me to get the next snake (there is always a next snake :grin01: ). Hmmmm, maybe he's just pretending. After all, I can't give a logical and very hard to deny argument if I don't know what the problem is. The thing he doesn't seem to get is if there's no reason for me not to, I should get to have my next snake! That's how I got the last two. :grin01:

 

[ghosthousecorns]

I think she knew what she was getting into before you all tied the knot so it's not really fair changing the rules afterwards. And you should be able to spend YOUR paycheck however you want (can you tell I'm not married lol)
I think the snakes should count the same as cockatiels or any other pet, but since you have agreed to the 'contract' keep your end of the deal & see how it goes. Maybe you can trade some of the babies you produce for other morphs you want and that way there would be no money involved.

 

[mbdorfer]

I'm divorced, 'nuff said! :grin01:

 

[carol]

Thank goodness my hubby is great! He gets more and more interested in them all the time. He really is the unsung hero of Low Belly Reptiles. He helps me with a lot of their care (cleaning, feeding, water changing, rack building, thermostat setting, mice cleaning, air-hole drilling, popping hatchlings etc.) and his salary is definitely the one that pays for a lot of it. He has been a member here since 2003 and still has not made a single post, lurks a lot but is usually too shy to post or I beat him to everything.
The only time he will ask that I get rid of some is when he sees that their care begins to burden me. Even at that point he will just "hint" that I should sell some and won't "tell" me straight forward to sell some. Usually by the time he says something, I already know I'm being overstretched and his comments are the last straw that kicks me out of denial that it's time to have a sale.
I guess what I mean is, he never suggests I get rid of some for his own selfish reasons.

 

[vanderkm]

Marriage really takes compromise in my opinion - hope the contract works out for you. I would rather not have to think in terms of victory in terms of marriage, but that is just me.

Hobbies can border on obsessions sometimes and the 'addiction' component of snakes is often joked about, but can be pretty real. They don't take up much space, are easy to care for, fun to work with and it doesn't seem like 5 will be more work than 1, or that 30 will be more work than 10, so it is easy to get more. Every one of them is potentially 10-15 years of commitment though.

Partners who don't share the passion you feel for a hobby can resent the time, care and money that you devote to it - often it isn't about the money as much as it is about how much you focus on the hobby - and it can leave a partner feeling excluded. My husband doesn't share my interest in breeding snakes - he is supportive, but he is also my reference - he keeps me grounded and keeps me from getting carried away in purchases or breeding. While he doesn't presume to tell me what I can and cannot do - he does help me question whether a new purchase is really important to me - puts it in perspective - that we are taking on responsibility for an animal's life every time we produce a clutch or buy a new snake.

I value my husband's point of view and while I say that he sets limits on my collection, it is really that he helps me set priorities for what I choose to add. It helps me focus and in the long run has prevented me from burning out.

just my perspective

mary v.

 

[Bobo's Mama]

I'm divorced, 'nuff said! :grin01:

Right on Mike! Ditto!

 

[desertanimal]

I feel I got the short end of the stick, but I have managed to guarantee my right to collect snakes and receive no complaints, opinions, or back talk whenever I buy more. . . . She can NEVER say a word about me having or purchasing snakes. EVER AGAIN!

Hmm. "Back talk" is not a phrase I would ever use to describe conversation of any kind between two married persons. "Back talk" implies a power differential, either real, percieved, or desired.

Kristi has no interest in the snakes. She likes shoes. But we don't have much money, and if she spent as much in shoes this summer as I'm going to spend in snakes, I'd get a little tense. But we have discussed her concerns about my getting out of hand with them and came to an agreement about my plans for them. So she's not going to freak out about the snakes I buy this summer because she knows I'm not buying anymore after that until I get back from fieldwork. And she's already approved the expenditure. But, agreements in our house are always open to re-negotiation because situations and people's feelings about things can change. Nothing is ever set in stone. Communication is always invited. And then, we almost never fight about anything.

Well-said, vanderkm!

Here's to all the husbands and wives who don't begrudge us our snakes because they love us and know it makes us happy. :cheers:

And here's to all of us who work to keep our hobby within our husbands' and wives' comfort zones (whatever they may be--fear of snakes, money, space) out of consideration for them. :cheers:

I think I'll just go have a drink for everyone. After all, it is a spirited discussion! :grin01:

 

[Serpwidgets]

Heh, if you already have 16, how many more are you looking to buy? What don't you have that you're needing to add? Not trying to sound like a nag, I'm just curious... it's not that I think it's any of my business or you "owe" me an answer or anything, but you brought up the topic.

Anyway, I'd look at this as a good thing... if you can only buy 1 or 2 snakes a year, it will seriously reduce the noise level of "extra" snakes you really don't need but just bought on impulse and that you have to figure out what to do with later on. When you have to be picky, you tend to make decisions that are more well thought out, and better in the long run. (Yes, I'm one of those optimists... LOL)

Have you determined what projects you wanted to embark on, and what snakes you would have to buy in order to accomplish that? :shrugs: (Food for thought...)

Just for comparison, in the last 8 years (1998-2005) I've bought a total of 21 cornsnakes. Everything else I have is either something I hatched, traded for, was a gift, or is on breeding loan. In 2000, when I decided to get into breeding corns, I bought an entire 1 snake. You don't need a zillion of them to breed, and once you start breeding them, you will have a zillion anyway.

 

[cka]

It's sooo easy to get carried away when you embark (or reembark) on something you are passionate about. To a spouse who has no interest, it does look a little.....ridiculous lol. and OF COURSE she didnt mind when you were just dating...Chuck has it right, tho...16 corns is plenty to get started on assorted breeding projects...I have 4 corns (sad, I know) that I am working with as a project, and thats pretty much it, excepting an Aztec currently on vacation (breeding loan) in CA for the year.

Tell your wife to start modeling so she can pay for her cosmetics

 

[Joker]

OK here is the other side of the coin. I have my wife to blame for my snake addiction, as well as our overgrown boa collection. :grin01: Don't get me wrong the boas are what I am truly passionate about as well. But there are several in our collection that were not exactly necessary. :shrugs: Oh well I guess.

Josh

 

[stangs13]

I wish my mom was this understanding :grin01: . I (dont laugh) dont have any corns(or snakes) *yet* But this July I will have two corns coming !! Yes I talked my mom and dad into 2 corns ,but it was very hard!!!! Theres a herp show in houston on september 8th and 9th! And Don will be there and of coarse...I have to have some snakes!!! :grin01: Congrats on the compramise!! I think I might try something like only one or 2 snakes a year!

 

[scottsquatch]

heck, I wasn't bashing her....

I was just making a statement about how funny it can be the way things can change. How frustrating it can be when spouses try to impose their wills on you. Yes you are right, people change as well as views and feelings. Nothing is set in stone as one of you said.

I must admit I was surprised though, as her actions were totally out of the blue and not in charactor with anything she had ever said to me about the snakes before. I was stunned that I had to shake on a "deal" in order to keep running the hobby I had been doing for 4 yrs before I met her. I turned to YOU my snake friends, because I figured you would understand, not think I was in a power struggle/war with my wife! Yowsers! I'll have to try and work on my presentation I guess.

Now for the fun part, whoever said I shouldn't use the term "back talk" is obviously in some kind of wonder land! LOL! Who ever heard of any kind of relationship where, on a rare occasion, somebody didn't make an undeserved remark about something you said, did, or wanted, to do? Perceived power? Come ON!

PS. Chuck, what you got for corns? Wheres the love gone?! LOL :grin01:

 

[Arcanefate]

My boyfriend (sorry we are not the marriage type, though we have been together a long time) believes that as long as it makes me happy, and I don't regret it, then that's all that matters to him.
He has nothing to do with my snakes. Occasionally he will ask me how so in so is doing (he can't even remember the morph names or whether they are male or female), but that is the extent of his discussion.

We both figure, he has his band, which can also be very time consuming and expensive. And I have my animals (of many different species). Neither one of us really has any friends... okay he has 3 and I have none.

We both work very stressful jobs and we want to come home to a non stressful atmosphere. One where we can be happy with the little time we have to ourselves to relax.

As far as money. He earns his money and I earn mine. What we each spend it on has no meaning to the other.

 

[desertanimal]

Now for the fun part, whoever said I shouldn't use the term "back talk" is obviously in some kind of wonder land! LOL! Who ever heard of any kind of relationship where, on a rare occasion, somebody didn't make an undeserved remark about something you said, did, or wanted, to do? Perceived power? Come ON!

Perhaps I am overly sensitized to the word, because in my house growing up, great pain rained down upon anyone who "back talked" to my dad. What you describe above, to me, is a jab or retort, depending on which of the situations listed we are referring to; "back talk," and "talking back" are words I use only to describe insolent children. I didn't say you shouldn't use it. I said I wouldn't. Two vastly different things. And I didn't even say that you implied it, I said the WORD did. Also different. And while we're on the subject of words, for the record, "Hmm," usually implies pensiveness, not reactionary judgemental-ness. I try to be careful and precise with my words, but alas, I cannot force anyone to read them as I've written them. :shrugs:

The wonderland of word-critique.

 

[scottsquatch]

LOL! good retort.

I especially like the "insolent children" part! makes me think of Dr. Evil. I guess I can see your point. I misunderstood you. My bad. apology offered.

 

[desertanimal]

Accepted and returned.

 

[Jeff Linkchorst]

My wife is scared to death of my snakes. I'm told i have to many now. i have 12 total. I am limited to how many snakes i can have. If i get 2 new one's a year I'm lucky. the easy part is knowing what project I want to do. the hard part is sneaking the snakes in the house... So i wish you good luck with your contract. You are not alone . I'm here too.