S.O's feelings with animals/pets

[ceduke]

But he'd be a *great* demo dog! And he's better behaved with a canine playmate. :3 C'moooon... you totally want him!

I'm thinking a Beauceron...a pooch that can work hard but then chill on her days off.

 

[wstphal]

There are always ways to get what you want while minimizing the negative impact of it on the other person, but I need to know if there's a negative impact that I should worry about minimizing or not. That's why I ask.

That's the give & take of a relationship that's working. You are willing to involve her in the decision but not willing to be dictated to, and she isn't trying to dictate & is willing to talk about what would work for her, whether it's a financial offset to balance your collective budget, or what.

 

[o7sugar]

Well, I personally feel like I have to ask permission before I do anything....which is VERY frustrating. Partly now I don't mind only because anything that would be bought comes out of his pay because I don't currently work. I would totally get it if he said well we'll talk about it later, lets see where the finances are in a month or a couple of months. But he doesn't, he just flat out refuses, and anytime I think of an alternative or a way around whatever problem he's stating (or making excuses for) , he just comes up with another one, than refuses. He's been like this pretty much more or less ever since I married him, it will be 10 years soon. We got into a little skiff last night, and he said something about he doesn't want a house full of snakes and there are other animals or something like that. Than I got really mad because it was like pulling teeth the two times I wanted to adopt a cat! Anytime I have thought of a pet, I try to tell him all the cool things about it and such and such, he is clearly not interested but at least tolerates me telling about them, and it's only when I discuss bringing one home is when he's like, "absolutely NOT". Never a reason, unless we don't have the money and than if that's the case he wants the subject dropped period even if circumstances were to change.
He has his hobbies and things he likes to do and I have no problem letting him get something, or if he wants to hang out with the guys, NO PROBLEM!! The only time I've said something other than -go ahead, that's fine!-was when we might not exactly have the funds, and than I suggest well how bad do you need it, and could you wait a little until the money is better. I never tell him no. But that's the one little word I do seem to hear the most.
I don't know, I really don't. Sometimes I really do feel like I'm living with my father and not a husband/friend.
-Nicole-

 

[wstphal]

But he doesn't, he just flat out refuses, and anytime I think of an alternative or a way around whatever problem he's stating (or making excuses for) , he just comes up with another one, than refuses.

So pretty much there is no negotiation, no

You: I want a new snake!
Him: We can't afford it.
You: I found a part-time job that will pay for the snale and a little leftover every week, more than enough to cover feeders & a viv.
Him: Then let's see if the job lasts & if it does you can buy the snake in 3 months.

If that's how it is, that's not good.

 

[Dinah]

W Partly now I don't mind only because anything that would be bought comes out of his pay because I don't currently work.

I am a stay at home mom, every cent I spend comes out of my husbands pay, but there is one thing I can promise you when I step up to a check out counter to check I am not buying something with my husbands money. Just because the pay check has his name on it that doesn't mean it is only his. I manage our home and family and have just as much of a right to access the families money as he does. Not being able to afford something or being on a limited budget is one thing but to have one spouse put a stay home spouse on a budget or to claim veto rights over spending that can be afforded simply because the persons position is inside the home is patronizing. I know it happens. Heck, there are moms I know who have allowances and it makes me cringe every time I hear them call it that.

 

[ceduke]

I have to agree with Dinah - it's the FAMILY'S income, not HIS alone. I'm a stay at home wife, and we manage our money pretty carefully, but that doesn't mean I'm not "allowed" to spend some money on myself. We have a set amount of "fun money", and how my part of that gets spent is my decision.

 

[Kali]

If he literally reacts like you say, "we're not doing that", and that's it then, I guess there are other issues too...
He might not like to have snakes, but things like that you say to a child, not a SO.
You're apparantly supposed to obey him without further discussion.
He's your husband. Not your boss.

Sorry if I'm blunt...

 

[o7sugar]

I am a stay at home mom, every cent I spend comes out of my husbands pay, but there is one thing I can promise you when I step up to a check out counter to check I am not buying something with my husbands money. Just because the pay check has his name on it that doesn't mean it is only his. I manage our home and family and have just as much of a right to access the families money as he does. Not being able to afford something or being on a limited budget is one thing but to have one spouse put a stay home spouse on a budget or to claim veto rights over spending that can be afforded simply because the persons position is inside the home is patronizing. I know it happens. Heck, there are moms I know who have allowances and it makes me cringe every time I hear them call it that.

Oh, no he doesn't feel that way, we both feel that each of our income is and would be part of the others--shared, what's his is mine and mine is his, I'm just saying I personally feel that if he's already not too keen on the idea of having more than one snake, it makes me feel maybe he would be more open to the idea if we weren't living off his paycheck only right now--so that's what would make me feel a little guilty. If he had said well lets see in a few months how funds would be and than we can talk about another snake, than things would've been peachy.

He might not like to have snakes, but things like that you say to a child, not a SO.
You're apparantly supposed to obey him without further discussion.
He's your husband. Not your boss.

That's what I mean sometimes I feel he treats me more like a father would rather than a husband and friend.
I don't know we'll see how things go.

 

[desertanimal]

That's what I mean sometimes I feel he treats me more like a father would rather than a husband and friend.

My father treated all of us just like the story you're telling.

I think my father is a jerk, and I haven't talked to him in many years. He knows where I am, and he knows how to find me, but he doesn't. I've made it clear that I only want a relationship that involves give and take and him treating me with as much respect as he wants from me. Apparently he doesn't want that kind of relationship. Apparently he wants the one like we had when I was a kid where he calls all the shots without question, without my having expectations for him, and definitely without my challenging him.

It looks like neither of us is going to budge on what we demand from our relationships. That's ok with me, because if he's not going to budge, then I'm not missing anything by never seeing him.

 

[PJ@PJCReptiles]

o7Sugar, sounds like you may need to reevaluate your relationship more than want snakes. Sounds like you two are not on the same page on most things. I am sorry for your situation. Life is hard enough without having to be in a relationship that does not compliment you or enrich you. Over all, are you truly happy?

Take a deep breath....

It will work out.

Good Luck!

And to the rest of my fellow CS.com members, I was really touched by reading this post. You are all incredible human beings!! Big Hugs all around!

 

[Kali]

Have you talked to your husband about your feelings? I don't mean the keeping of snakes or pets in general, but how you feel about the way he's treating you, and that you're not happy with that.
If you don't feel like you're in an equal relationship, things will more likely than not keep going downhill. There is a chance that he doesn't realise just how much he's overdoing things, but just reacts to the issue at hand without seeing how wrong his attitude is.
He should know it, but if he doesn't, a calm open-hearted talk might do a world of good.

 

[o7sugar]

o7Sugar, sounds like you may need to reevaluate your relationship more than want snakes. Sounds like you two are not on the same page on most things. I am sorry for your situation. Life is hard enough without having to be in a relationship that does not compliment you or enrich you. Over all, are you truly happy?

Take a deep breath....

It will work out.

Good Luck!

And to the rest of my fellow CS.com members, I was really touched by reading this post. You are all incredible human beings!! Big Hugs all around!

You just about made me cry when I read this post--thank you that was very kind of you

Have you talked to your husband about your feelings? I don't mean the keeping of snakes or pets in general, but how you feel about the way he's treating you, and that you're not happy with that.
If you don't feel like you're in an equal relationship, things will more likely than not keep going downhill. There is a chance that he doesn't realise just how much he's overdoing things, but just reacts to the issue at hand without seeing how wrong his attitude is.
He should know it, but if he doesn't, a calm open-hearted talk might do a world of good.

You know a little light bulb went off when I read this. He has been under quite a bit of stress lately and when any kind of topic comes up, especially when it has to do with animals he does seem to just jump the gun and speak really without thinking. There have been times when after the fact he realizes how he reacted wasn't exactly the best way he could've done it.

I also want to thank everyone for sharing everything. I really do love that I found this site and the people here

 

[desertanimal]

He should know it, but if he doesn't, a calm open-hearted talk might do a world of good.

Certainly. You can't possibly expect people to meet your needs without telling them what your needs are.

 

[cobained]

Certainly. You can't possibly expect people to meet your needs without telling them what your needs are.

This is sometimes a problem I have...I expect my husband to know what I want or need without being told. I have to remember he's not a mind reader and he doesn't think the same way I do.

I'm lucky enough to be married to an animal lover as well. He doesn't mind sharing a zoo (2 cats, 2 dogs, a parrot, fish, corns, 2 bp, crestie, and now a horse). Last summer he helped me carry out 6 new hatchlings from Repticon to join my trio at home. We both laughed about how CRAZY it was that I bought that many and would then have NINE snakes. Now I have 22, and he built me a rack. After 7 years of marriage we're still working on figuring out how to compromise, how to understand each other, and how to work our problems out, but we're doing it together.

I too really enjoyed reading this thread. The people on here are great, and it's nice to have so much support around. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and reminding me how lucky I am.

 

[kathylove]

I hate to say that I think the animal issue isn't the real issue.

I have to agree with the above, and with many of the other posters. If you have more of a parent / child relationship than a spousal one, it doesn't bode well for the future. Reptiles could be the least of your worries. It is time for some serious discussion, evaluation, and perhaps counseling. It is easier to change to healthy and more equitable habits EARLY in a relationship, rather than later. And if it is one that is doomed to fail, it is much better to find out now instead of later.

You may very well get more herps than you can handle - they ARE very addictive, lol! But you are an adult, and all things should be negotiable between you, and open for discussion. He probably has some interests that you don't care about, too. You should both be supporting each other in any constructive endeavors. Of course, there could be very logical reasons he objects, such as limits of space, time, or money. But each of you should have SOME of those resources for whatever "crazy" thing that is important to you individually. The amount of those resources available to each of you is what should be discussed. If this can't be done in a way that each of you consider "fair", then you will eventually end up resenting your S.O., and it usually ends badly.

Please heed this possible red flag and work hard to make sure this relationship is one you can be happy with for many years in the future!

 

[Stormy]

I guess I am lucky. Both my boyfriend and I have our own snakes and our own other animals. We both have our own money but we share expenses.
I understand the stay at home part though and being told no you cant spend anything. I was in some pretty bad spots in the past and was even with one who said I had to give him MY paychecks (I left that one fast).
Main thing to remember is to sit and think, do I have the money for this? Do I have the space, supplies etc? A lot of times though there can be other things going on and if the other half seems like they are being very unreasonable then its time to have a talk, just wait until they calm down first and let them know you need to talk to them.

 

[Taz Monkey]

So funny that I just came across this post as I am having to deal with an unwilling to accept snakes SO right now. I have 10 cats and 4 dogs. I'll admit it. I do rescue and fostering. My house is clean, far cleaner than some people I know with no pets. But I digress, because personally I don't give a hoot what kind of shape a person's house is in, because I don't live there. Luke has ZERO pet responsibilities. Unless I might possibly ask him to feed the cats of he gets home from work before me, otherwise he would have 10 cats following him around the house, meowing as if they have not eaten in months. Same with the dogs. He lets them out to pee when he gets home. I have a fenced yard. So he has to open a door, then open it again when they're done. Same with FLuffy. He has to do nothing. Nada. So when I mentioned today that I wanted a coral snow, he flipped. Totally flipped. Funny thing is that I own the house. I bought it when I was 20. I pay the mortgage, as well as the bills, as well as upkeep, etc. He mows the grass and buys the occasional groceries. He doesn't technically live there but he might as well because he hasn't left in months. So should I really listen to him? I'm thinking no. He's very closed minded, which bothers me a lot.He's never known anyone with a pet snake, so he sees it as not "normal". But who defines normal anyway? Sheeesh, rant over lol. Glad I leave for vacation tomorrow.

 

[o7sugar]

Taz, nice to "meet" you One of the first things I thought of was from something you said. Maybe since he really hasn't been around a snake first hand the thought of one is just too foreign for him to accept? Do you know any friends, or places that have snakes that you could bring him to, to kind of introduce him to the addicitve world of snakes?? Does he have a favorite color, or even pattern?? Perhaps showing him pics of different colored snakes could wet his appetite??
One last thing, when you two got together, have you always generally had a decent amount of pets or is this a fairly new endeavor?
-Nicole-

 

[kathylove]

Hmmm...interesting...

Sounds like you don't have a lot in common? That IS a lot of cats and dogs, lol! But if you can afford the time and money to support them, then more power to you!

Any relationship is a negotiation. You have to decide if he is holding up his part, and if you are better off with or without him. It doesn't sound like he is contributing much financially or chore - wise. But maybe he contributes something of value in other ways - I don't know.

Likewise, he needs to examine your eccentricities and decide if it is something he can live with.

In my opinion, neither party should change who they are just to stay in a relationship - unless they, themselves feel a need for a change (maybe addictions, whether alcohol, tobacco, hoarding, or anything a person feels needs changing for their OWN best interest). If the other partner requires a change that seems unwarranted, then that relationship is probably doomed anyway.

OTOH, both partners should be open minded enough to be willing to negotiate moderation of their "habits" or needs in a reasonable way to accommodate each other. As Dr. Phil always says, "everything is negotiable." But if one is always giving and one is always taking, then, eventually, the whole relationship tends to sour.

You should both try to step back from the situation, and have a long talk during a non-stressful, non-emotional time. Each should have a list of points to discuss about your long term life goals. What is truly important to each of you, and what could you each cut back, or live without, if that would make your partner happy? Only by examining those details fairly dispassionately in a calm setting, can you hope to both find out if a long term relationship is likely to work, and if so, what each of you have to be willing to do, change, or give up, to make it work.

For myself, animals have ALWAYS been such an important part of my life that I never would have considered becoming serious with a person who wasn't also dedicated to animals of one kind or another. But each person has to determine for themselves just how important any one part of their life is, compared to other things that are also important.

Time for some quiet introspection, and then a long, calm, important, conversation!

 

[Taz Monkey]

He's known me for almost 6 years, we've been dating for almost 2, and I have always had the amount of pets I have now. He's just a very closed minded person and is very unwilling to accept things that are foreign to him, such as snakes. He thinks people who have snakes are "weird" and that I'm going to become weird. But I don't personally know anyone who has a snake that is "weird" nor do I really know what the definition of weird would be. I guess I'm just more willing to accept people who are not totally like myself, and not judge.