spirited "discussion"

[Drizzt80]

Even though we tend to have some 'spirited discussions' at times, I have been pleasantly surprised by my wifes willingness to accept my addiction.

I began the breeding aspect of this 5 years ago 'officially', and she was warned that there would be a financial obligation (in order for me to do it right) that she may not like. She didn't either, but was accepting much the same way a mother is when her child brings home a caterpillar and wants to keep it in a jar with some grass! Luckily (?) last summer (4 years into my fun), I broke even, and the extra funds I had last summer from my snakes paid off some unexpected bills that we had come up. Hopefully she didn't realize the 'profit' was spent the 3 previous years . . . but we won't talk about that!

Long story short . . . I have an amazing wife, and should tell her that more often I guess! Also, Scott shoot for breaking even and paying for your supplies and maybe a new snake now and again, and you should be alright!

D80

PS. Thanks for making me the 'final' purchase of your compromise!! Of course much like guns in a hunter's home, you can always sneak in one or two more under the light of day . . . :crazy02:

 

[MCHouse]

I too was in this boat about 5 years ago...however i kept walking out into the other room and saying here honey hold this while i clean the cage.....needles to say five years later she has her own collection of colubrids, pythons, and geckos she even has a boa bigger than she is...lol.....so hang in there...I hate to say it, but sometimes it kind of sucks to get what you wish for because "my" snake money suddenly became "our" snake money.....lol and we fight over who gets the computer to surf the boards...lol

good luck and hang in there!

MCHouse
www.Nightbreedreptiles.com

 

[JM :o)]

Maybe I'm lucky. Or maybe I paid my dues.......I've been married for 16 1/2 years. For most of that time we were poor......I mean selling my blood to make the mortgage poor......but I was always a good sport and put up with (with complaints, but not serious objections) my husband "collecting." He collected plates ( I have an attic full), he collected swords (they are on every available surface in my house), he collected toys (you don't even want to know how MANY boxes of crappy starwars, startrek toys I have in the attic), he has collected dragons, prints, pretty little crap I have to dust every week..........I put up with it.............

Five years ago when I decided I wanted something my husband was/is grateful for the salve for his spendy, guilty conscience, and we could afford it by the time I wanted something for me. I am SURE I would not be as deep into it now if it wasn’t for him.

He has absolutely NO interest in any of my animals. NONE. Except to help me spend money we can’t afford on them. I have easily over 80 snakes right now that are “keepers” ( probably closer to 100)~ and more rats/mice than I would care to count. I don’t have time to take care of them all………I’m always busy……….I’d have a LOT more if I let him talk me into half of what I “Like”………..but I had to stop going to shows…….not because I WOULD buy more animals……but because if I like it…..he is the devil at convincing me I deserve it. I should have it…..we’ll find a way to pay for it later……..it can’t be that much more work (Like he has EVER cleaned a single one of them or has any interest AT all past the purchase of them!) Last NARBC I had to take away his credit card because I liked a pair of Blue tree monitors I could not afford ($2400.00!) and I KNEW if I took my eye off of him he would buy them on the credit card I had to find a way to pay for!

At only 16 years married I don’t know IF I am qualified to say what you NEED to make a good marriage…..but I would say from my experience it is important that you both have a “Job” in the relationship. One of you needs to be the moderator in money spent. It’s a crappy job~ but one of you has to do it~ and it’s easier if you sit down and establish whose job it is. Its MY job to be thrifty. It sucks. I have to tell him when he can’t have what he wants…..and when I can’t have what I want. But its my job. If I do my job poorly……….then I have to find a way to rob Peter to pay Paul………………

The most important thing………….

Absolutely most important thing……..

Is to never hate each other at the same time.

I’ve been so mad at him I hated him.
I KNOW he has been so mad at me he has hated me.

We’ve never hated each other at the same time. And DIVORCE is a dirty word. No one is allowed to say it casually.

 

[Drizzt80]

One of you needs to be the moderator in money spent. It’s a crappy job~ but one of you has to do it~ and it’s easier if you sit down and establish whose job it is. Its MY job to be thrifty. It sucks. I have to tell him when he can’t have what he wants…..and when I can’t have what I want. But its my job. If I do my job poorly……….then I have to find a way to rob Peter to pay Paul………………

That would be my better half's job!! It's worked for the past 13 of our 18 (15 married) years together. Excellent post!

D80

 

[dionythicus]

I know my husband has forked out a substantial amount towards my collection. He knows how much it means to me to have snakes (and heck, he likes 'em, too!). And boy is he a good one for helping me justify buying another one! "Don't you have one like that you can breed it to?" or "What would you get if you bred this one with that one?" LOL When it comes to the collection itself (65 with 28 eggs due any day) I am the responsible party for snake care and the breeding is my project alone. He helps out when he's able, but has terrible allergies to mice so he can't usually spend much time in the snake room. He likes to hold the snakes and asks about certain snakes that have been problems, or are special ones. He would never deny a snake a trip to the vet.

I am blessed to have a husband and partner who understands, enjoys and supports my hobby (in more ways that just financial). He knew when he picked me out (online dating service) that I was a freak with snakes. He's a freak who loves a freak with snakes.

 

[TripleMoonsExotic]

I simply sneak mine in anymore. Chris was very good about it for a while...But then I had him build me 2 adult racks...Since then, he throws a fit any time I hint at another snake. :shrugs: When he eventually finds them, I just say "O, I've had that one for months." I snuck in 3 snakes about a month ago, he hasn't found them yet.

 

[Cflaguy]

This is the reason I took...

a break. It was forced. I wasn't married but we lived together for 6 years and had been together for 9 years. My brother allowed me to keep the snakes at his house. Then he moved to far away and they had to come to live with us. That lasted about 2 months and she threatened to leave. I had had a pair of corns since 1987 (this was around 99, 2000). Longer than I had known her. Among other snakes of course, 14 in all. They went to Reptile World Serpentarium. BTW, the female of that pair died just this year, the male 2 years ago. Looking back, she was probably trying to force my hand in a different way, we split a few months later. She also had stopped paying my bills, credit and what-not six months prior.
But any-who, I took a break since I was in school and starting a new career.
But now I'm back with a brand new wife (6 days ago) and I have to fight her off from buying new snakes.
I am no expert either, but we live by compromise.

 

[Wintermute]

he collected toys (you don't even want to know how MANY boxes of crappy starwars, startrek toys I have in the attic.

Shame on you - there is no such thing as a crappy startrek toy!

I agree with Serpwidgets that restrictions on snake buying (for whatever reason) can be a good thing. I really enjoy hunting in the shops, waiting to find that one special snake. It has to be perfect.

Scottsquatch - your wife may regret giving you free reign to breed, if you don't already. She may end up in a house with over a hundred snakes! :grin01:

 

[Russell]

hmmm...

She says you may keep the snakes you have now, and breed them...he he he...obviously she's thinking she's got the better end on this deal doesn't she? I'm assuming even 6 of these will be females? Hold back one from each clutch, six new babies a year... he he he, smile buddy, just smile! But it's very hard to make even on this. But even myself, I spend small amounts of money here and there over the year. So when in the fall the babies get sold, it seems I'm ahead. And yes, as Drizzt80 pointed out, it's funny how when the money suddenly comes in that sometimes the snakes money pays for things that the wife can only nod her head in agreement that oh, good thing you have the snakes! At least that's how it is here!

My wife has put her foot down also. Only cause I have no more room to expand. But she says when I get the new house with my own basement to have the critters in. She doesn't care what I do down there as long as the bills get paid and that I don't go overboard.

Your wife sounds a bit controlling, but that's just what I'm getting from reading your original post. My first wife knew well what I'd tell her if she said to get rid of my small collection of 40. She's long gone I'm happy to say! LOL! Though of course there were other things going on... Anyhow, current wife too saw what I was into, and we had only been dating a couple months and I took her to a reptile show. I've had days I've said honey, I'm going to sell em all! To which she always replies in an angry tone, I won't let you! LOL!

She knows these snakes are a part of who I am, and that I enjoy my hobby so much. If I didn't have my snakes, what would I do with myself? I don't smoke, drink, or gamble our money away. I only spend what I need for my snakes and cockatiels. And she sees the money come back down the road. And though I've pointed it out to her all the time how I'm not actually making money ahead, it's just I've spent all the expenses allready and they haven't put me back because I never spend money on anything else other than the hobby and the regular bills.

But on the other hand I too sneak snakes in. She still doesn't know about the last three I got from Connie. But she supects big time now after reading that thread about the red plastic snake... "So how did you get one of those honey?" Oh uh, um, uh.... Oh, recall that cd Connie sent, um yeah, it was in that little envelope with it. God bless her she left it at that! LMAO! I have NO idea how I'm going to sneak Rich's and Don's orders under her nose!

But it's certainly about compromise and communication. You were a good man to not totally blow up on her, cause all that'll do is shut all communication lines down and loads of resentment. And yeah, I agree, it's tough what a woman once married will pull on a guy! :sidestep:

 

[scottsquatch]

interesting responses

Thanks for all the input, support, and stories guys. I have to say this thread has gotten more responses than I figured it would. I guess it hits home on both sides of the coin for many of you. BTW, I just want to clarify...I am not limited to what I have now in any way....Its just that money for new additions has to come from money I make off of what I already have. I think its her way of trying to limit the growth of my collection. Its all good though. I don't really want all that much more anyhow. I will make this last purchase from Brent, and use this yrs hatchling money to buy a snake from Misty and one I also want from Joe, and I am done anyway. I Might pick up a male yellow cream from Don next year. I see myself slowly parting with run of the mill animals I have had for a while in favor of snakes I need for more profitable projects. That way I will have an easier time making this thing break even. Thats all I really want anyway. I've always said that my goal is to let the snakes pay for themselves. Later all.

PS. I'M the thrifty one! or as she occasionally calls me...the party pooper. Thats why this is all so absurd. I never really by anything for myself, she usually has to convince me or she just buys it for me! LOL

 

[Hypancistrus]

I don't smoke, drink, or gamble our money away. I only spend what I need for my snakes and cockatiels.... I never spend money on anything else other than the hobby and the regular bills.

I am the same way- the only money I really spend goes into fish tanks and a handful of other pets. I also enjoy reading and listening to music, but that's a pretty small output of cash.

I'm in a relatively new relationship, and expecting to purchase my first snake in August. We're not even in the "thinking about" living together part yet- that's still a couple years off. But I love her, she's my best friend, and I always ask before I make a major decision, since I'd like for her to stick around for the rest of my life, and a snake is at least a 15 year committment.

Compromise is very important. Sometimes it is very hard for me to ask to buy something I really want (even though I know she is really compromising- snakes scare her a lot!) because I am a naturally independent person and don't like having other peoples "agendas" forced down my throat. But then I quietly remind myself that having someone to spend my life with who is my best friend is way more important than having the freedom to be the only decision maker in the house.

What makes me sad is that I haven't yet found anything that she is really into that I am not- you know, something for me to be extremely compromising about. She really likes guitars, so I keep hoping one day she will desire a pretty pricey guitar and it will make me feel better about spending money on fish and other critters.

 

[SnakeAround]

My husband has a fit every time I buy a snake. I've tried asking nicely, even though I feel like I shouldn't have to ask at all, but he still gets mad. I only have five snakes! :shrugs:
The thing that bothers me the most is that he can't give me a reason why he doesn't want me to get the next snake (there is always a next snake :grin01: ). Hmmmm, maybe he's just pretending. After all, I can't give a logical and very hard to deny argument if I don't know what the problem is. The thing he doesn't seem to get is if there's no reason for me not to, I should get to have my next snake! That's how I got the last two. :grin01:

That is exactly what I say! But he does have some good reasons actually... ; it takes lots of time, and he likes to spend more time with me (read; get attention), it takes quite some space (I use 'real' vivs) and since the vivs are in a side-room to the living room (no door in between, just an opening) there is some smell from the vivs, especially after one of the bigger ones have crapped or on hot days when everything is closed to keep the house cool... and I know he does HATE odors in the house, even if it is something sweet like house perfume

But since my b/fr is studying at home, he does not even have time to receive more attention within 1,5-2 yrs :shrugs: So saying that he had to give in and we agreed (he more then I) on 15 snakes as a limit.... And no space to be used for snakes other then the room they are in now. I might feel like opening up the issue again someday, but now the issue is settled and we do not ruin our relation with fighting and nagging... I felt relieved in a way to know what we are up to, but sometimes I do worry when I think of my wish list for snakes and if I would be able to sell some to get new ones :shrugs:

 

[dionythicus]

But now I'm back with a brand new wife (6 days ago) and I have to fight her off from buying new snakes.

You just got married? Congrats! You should have registered at Petco, or does Rich have a bridal registry?

 

[Cflaguy]

Many thanx...

You may have stumbled onto something here. PETCO and Rich with a bridal registry.
I owe ya some more rep points but I gotta spread some around.

 

[starsevol]

My husband has put his foot down about me getting anymore snakes. I have the 9 corns,8 rosys, the leo and the bts. But he really doesnt know how many I have, or exactly WHAT I have. My last 6 snakes were keepers (3 are 02s and 3 are 05s). At this point he thinks I only kept 2 of the 05s. He hardly ever comes in this room and doesnt look at the snakes when he does. I havent "bought" a snake in probably 8 years.

Sometime really soon I plan to buy a pair on critterauction. I already have them picked out. A friend is getting them for me and I am paying him for them and sneaking them into the house. My husband will NEVER notice. I have only snuck a snake into the house one other time....8 years ago my friend Deb gave me her male rosy boa after her female died. I snuck him into the house but my mom knew about it and ended up blabbing it to my husband......8 years later "Buddy" is still here. Well, no one knows about this upcoming pair except the friend getting them for me.

Now all I need to do is wait for the auction to go on. Everything is in place. This is probably the worst thing I will ever do. My next husband has to be a snake man!

 

[Bobo's Mama]

I'm sorry. I'm not directing this opinion at anyone in particular, but I don't understand how you can "sneak" snakes into your house without telling your SO. :shrugs: I just went through a divorce that was caused by lack of communication. I just know that if I ever get married again, I won't be doing that under any circumstances. If you can't tell him/her about a simple purchase of something that you enjoy, then what else are you hiding from them....sorry, stepping off my soapbox now.

 

[starsevol]

I am not hiding anything else....and he doesnt even know what I have now!!! I just don't feel like a big blowup. I pay for the snakes and all their needs with my own money, I clean them and he never even comes in this room. He doesnt even care how many offspring I keep as long as he doesnt see anything coming into the house. And he wont see these. My next cornsnake purchse will be in about 5 or 6 years. To find a mate for the keeper baby of this pair Im sneaking in.

All of our other comunication is dead-on. We have been married 18 years, own a business together and are with each other 24/7. Even if he did discover my sneak ins, there is no divorce on the horizon. Like I said, my last sneak in is still here.

 

[TripleMoonsExotic]

I'm sorry. I'm not directing this opinion at anyone in particular, but I don't understand how you can "sneak" snakes into your house without telling your SO. :shrugs: I just went through a divorce that was caused by lack of communication. I just know that if I ever get married again, I won't be doing that under any circumstances. If you can't tell him/her about a simple purchase of something that you enjoy, then what else are you hiding from them....sorry, stepping off my soapbox now.

O, we communicate perfectly fine. I'd just rather prevent the argument of him not understanding my hobby.

I actually broke the news to him today about the 4 adults coming from Rich. I made the excuse that I just bought him a $600 wedding band (one that he took 3 hours to pick out - he's such a girl!) and I deserved a present.

 

[ChristinaM]

I have not read every response on this thread but here's my situation:

I'm the reptile lover in my house. My husband, has no interest in the snakes or dragons and leopard gecko's. He does not help me with cleaning, feeding, etc. This is purely a me thing. I wish he shared at least a minute amount of interest but he does not.

He accepts that I enjoy them. We ( meaning mostly him ) are in the process of finishing our basement. The first room he did was my reptile room He did not like having them upstairs with the bedrooms because of odours, potential escapee's, cricket noise, etc. etc. Which I respect. So I have my room in the basement.

He has helped me build racks, etc. But as far as their care, he is not a part of it. He basically tolerates them and that's it. He doesn't hate them by any means, they are just of no interest to him.

He doesn't complain about the time I spend with them, and he can't.

He has his car. His baby. His " Mistress". Sometimes she gets better treatment than me He spends hours on her. Hence the reason he can't complain about time I spend with the snakes.

We have had issues about me buying new ones. But not anything serious. A serious issue would be if I spent 1000$$$ all at once on snakes, because we can't afford it right now.

He is really good with it, and I give him tons of credit for that.

He only put his foot down on one thing: breeding rats. He can not stand the smell, and it tends to waft up the registers. I respect him on that aspect, and all the breeding rats I had, wound up dead and frozen.

All in all, the only negative is that he does not share my interest. Which is ok, but disappointing. But I don't share his full interest in car stuff. Some yes, but nowhere near what he does.

Bottom line: we respect each other's hobbies

 

[TandJ]

I too have failed to read every page here too! :sidestep:

Here the deal with me an Jen.. We are both in it as a team in a sense.. We both share the responsibility of the snakes.. She does not say much if I bring home another animal and nor do I say much about her bringing home an animal.. Not like we can hide that sort of thing, considering the tight quarters we currently live in.. How ever, we do take into consideration the finances, and proper care and feeding of the animals.. As our group grows and expands ( slowly, well except this last year :bang: ) .. We are looking at this adventure as a way to keep us busy, and possibly a little profit. I am sure the profit will get eatten in front of our eyes. It also encourages my childern to look at nature, also into the sciences..

Anywho, regards... Tim of T and J