Coming Out to Friend

[antiochian]

I have a friend visiting me later this year for about a week. He'll be staying in my home. He's terrified of snakes, and I have 6. (I suppose he has a good reason to be scared of them as he's from South Africa, which is home to puff adders, mambas and other dangerous species.) I intend to keep the sweater box terrariums out of sight, and as I've not had an escapee since I began keeping snakes 2 years ago, I feel confident I can just hush-hush this.

Of course there's always the chance of him discovering them somehow.

Should I come out to him as a snake hobbyist? Simply assure him that they are secure and no one will be constricted to death, and all is well? I still think the best policy is silence, but am open to suggestions.

 

[cjbage]

IMO.. it isn't good to hide this sort of thing, a week is a long time and if he just happens to find them, and not be warned in advance it can be a huge shock and can do some bad damage to your friendship.

Maybe good to sit him down when he gets there and calmly tell him that you have Non-venomous snakes and that they are locked away. answer any questions and stress the part that they are secured and can't get out. do your water changes etc when hes either not awake or otherwise occupied at first.

Then maybe if he shows interest have him stand in the room when you do the changes and make a show of how they aren't hurting you and check n double check the locks etc.

I don't yet have snakes but this is what I would do. Again it is just my opinion.

 

[antiochian]

I guess there's a third option--have a friend keep them for me for that week. I've luckily got a few months to think it over. They'd likely be stacked in a closet covered with a blanket.

Another giveaway would be mice in the freezer. That could be a shock in itself.

 

[vetusvates]

If he is a real friend,
he will love you for who you are,
which means accepting all idiosyncracies,
not trying to pull you,
not trying to push you,
never even entertaining the thought of changing you to suit his world.
He will accept you when you are up,
accept you when you are down,
and respect all of your baggage,
and respect all of your dreams.
He will even embrace you if/when you change your mind.
He will celebrate with you your victories,
weep with you when you fall,
and respect those secret dark corners that you don't expose to just anyone.

If six snakes make or break a deal,
there is no way he can live up to the above.

 

[Myca]

I have a lot of people come and go at my house. Many stay over night for up to a month or more. I don't remember making any formal announcement about snakes. Just keep them in your closet. Your guest has no business in there anyway.
Reminds me of the time I hid 300 mice in dad's freezer.

 

[Senusenu]

Can we not equate snake ownership with the struggle of LGBT people? Thanks. :/

 

[MakersMarked]

I thought it was funny. Besides, LGBT folks aren't the only ones who use the term "coming out."

(And no, I don't speak for all LGBT folks, but I *am* queer myself, FWIW.)

 

[MakersMarked]

Oh, and I forgot to reply to the OP:

Unless you have a large enough house to keep the snakes far away in a room you're 100% certain your friend won't enter, I think you should tell him before he arrives. If he really is *terrified* of snakes, it's incumbent upon you as a good host to warn him ahead of time. No, he shouldn't snoop around in your closets, but if he happens to find them anyway, and you're not around, he may lose it. It would be much better all around if you were on hand to handle the snakes in front of him and show him they're not slithering demons with a taste for human flesh.

 

[Michael823]

Coming out of the closet with snakes can be difficult on a friend or family member. There can be religious beliefs, or old farmers myths, which create unnecessary fear. But you don't want to run the risk of having him catch you off guard with your snake out, because that could be a traumatizing experience, and really bad way to receive the news.

Good luck with this, however you decide to come out. Just know that you have a community here behind you that values you whether you're het or homo.

(BTW, I am not LGBT, so you have EVERY right to send me hate mail for my tasteless puns)

 

[vetusvates]

Can we not equate snake ownership with the struggle of LGBT people? Thanks. :/

Which prompts me to re-re-read the thread up to this post #6 that I have quoted.

So.
Just where precisely does this "equating of a-snake-ownership to b-LGBT-struggle" occur in this thread....???...

I, for one, am similar to "MakersMarked" in...at least one...of a possible million different ways...and equating a with b never seriously crossed my mind.
Until post #6, devoid of subtlety, trotted it out.
And my mind has a proclivity for wandering far and wide whether I like it or not.

A short answer will do.
We don't want the hijacking of this thread to begin with the less than well thought out post #6.

______________________________

Back on topic.
To the OP.
In my humble opinion, a 'coming out' strikes in my mind a note that implies some 'marginalized minority population'.
I do not think snake owners are a marginalized population.
Therefore, I do not think you, antiochian, have any reason to think that living an intrepid life requires a 'coming out'.
Your forthrightness will do nothing but give your visitor the opportunity to 'get over himself'. He is an adult, yes?

 

[vetusvates]

Coming out of the closet with snakes can be difficult on a friend or family member. There can be religious beliefs, or old farmers myths, which create unnecessary fear. But you don't want to run the risk of having him catch you off guard with your snake out, because that could be a traumatizing experience, and really bad way to receive the news.

Good luck with this, however you decide to come out. Just know that you have a community here behind you that values you whether you're het or homo.

(BTW, I am not LGBT, so you have EVERY right to send me hate mail for my tasteless puns)

And Michael, lol, pun-away all you like.

I have long ago 'owned' all my 'words'...and use them accordingly.
Your humor is always refreshing.

So SS would be homo for bold and proud Snake-owner...
Ss would mean het for surreptitious snake-owner...
ss would be homo for surreptitious snake-owner...??? :roflmao:

(Note: neither 'coming' nor 'out' was used in my vignette above....lol...)

 

[Senusenu]

"coming out" specifically is a term related to the LGBT community for finding the strength to tell friends or family that one is queer. Those two words, in that exact order, have always meant that.

When I saw the thread title, being queer myself, I expected the thread to be a community member to talk about that- coming out of the closet. Which is what those two words, when put in that order means. And I was prepared to offer moral support to the person doing that.

But it was instead hijacking those words to refer to freaking snakes and being "in the closet" about it. Because what? Admitting to owning snakes requires moral support and advice because it can be detrimental to one's health to do so? Are you kidding me?

I thought this community was more open minded than that, but instead you mock me for asking not to use the term. Thank you for making me feel like sh1t and accuse me of simply hijacking the thread with my request while dismissing my uncomfortableness out of hand, I really freaking appreciate it.

 

[vetusvates]

In the last...30 years say...the euphemism "coming out" has expanded to cover a multitude of states of being and circumstances.

We, as gays, do not have a monopoly or copyright on the phrase "coming out". In fact it is rather archaic and cliche in that former narrow context.
Own your words Senusenu. Free your mind. Don't put a hex or mojo on words. They're just words. Uncomfortableness will then evaporate.

Antiochian using them in the way she/he did is proof positive that they are not bound and chained to the realm of homosexuality.

And Senu, I did not deliberately try to make you feel like siht. I ordinarily aim higher or more obscure. Siht is too easy and commonplace. No serious, lasting harm meant.


I offer you a totally contextually removed gif(t) of two (if you count the tux, it's three, count the act of tap-dancing and it's four) unrelated items combined to evoke humor transcending their original narrow cultural meanings.

 

[Michael823]

^ Honestly, I had to go back and see what this post was referring to. I did not see that you had written that 1st statement, or that you were offended in the first place, so, for that, I am sorry. I can see where my post seems rather-like arrogant baiting, after the fact.

I won't ask you to find me funny, nor to accept my apology. Your personal experience is your own, and I respect your right to voice that you were offended by this. However, if you could see where it was coming from, my own experience, etc. I'd 'hope' that you may learn to take it for what it was meant to be, which was actually light-hearted, and, I felt (in my own little way) was both; making fun of the drastic difference in burdens of "coming out", while also saying, even if it were an official "coming out" thread, I'd be with you 100% -- really, that's just how I is.. nothin' but love.

 

[Michael823]

^ was meant for Senusenu.. so much for not quoting to save a second.

 

[smigon]

While the term "coming out" is probably most closely associated today with the LGBT community, it is not the sole meaning of it nor does the community have a copyright on the phrase.

When I was 16 I had a "coming out" party, meaning I was being introduced to society as a debutante.

When a band produces a new album, they will be "coming out" with it in June. It simply means "to make an entrance".

I still haven't "come out" to my parents that I have corn snakes, meaning I haven't introduced myself to them as a snake owner.

"Coming out" of the closet is also like "skeletons in the closet", such as if a relative is secretly known to drink heavily but doesn't admit it, they have a "skeleton in the closet". Now, when said relative comes clean to everyone and admits it, they have "come out" of the closet. That is a stigma where the relative thought what they were doing was bad, and they were ashamed, just as with many LGBT community members are. If someone "comes out" to me it is them sharing a secret about themselves I wasn't aware of, be it their sexuality or their drug addiction or their love of collecting socks. THEY may feel they can't be open about it, but when they do want to be open about it they will be "coming out", or introducing himself as a sock-o-holic.

 

[smigon]

In the last...30 years say...the euphemism "coming out" has expanded to cover a multitude of states of being and circumstances.

We, as gays, do not have a monopoly or copyright on the phrase "coming out". In fact it is rather archaic and cliche in that former narrow context.
Own your words Senusenu. Free your mind. Don't put a hex or mojo on words. They're just words. Uncomfortableness will then evaporate.

Antiochian using them in the way she/he did is proof positive that they are not bound and chained to the realm of homosexuality.

And Senu, I did not deliberately try to make you feel like siht. I ordinarily aim higher or more obscure. Siht is too easy and commonplace. No serious, lasting harm meant.


I offer you a totally contextually removed gif(t) of two (if you count the tux, it's three, count the act of tap-dancing and it's four) unrelated items combined to evoke humor transcending their original narrow cultural meanings.

I love you, V!!!

 

[Senusenu]

I'll just say that LGBT issues are still a huge concern and we aren't in a position yet to be totally comfortable and at a point where it doesn't matter. Because it shouldn't matter. So when I saw the post title, and the read the content, it felt much more belittling and making light of what is a serious and dangerous issue for many people, and with some recent attempts to pass laws to make it legal to discriminate or harass, it was extremely upsetting. I myself am not "out" to my family- many of them would disown me or drown me in pamphlets about "saving my soul."

I appreciate that you guys (Smigon, Vestus, Michael) understand better where I was coming from and why it upset me, and why the responses upset me. I better understand you guys now too, and appologize for posting so angrily (I had just woke up, so the responses were the very first thing my brain took in, so I didn't use the normal restraint I should have). No, the LGBT community don't "own" the phrase, but it historically refers to us even if similar phrases have been used, too, and LGBT issues have been high in my mind lately so it's the absolute first thing that came to mind.

Anyway, I'll leave you guys to the OP's questions. I just didn't want to totally ignore your replies and wanted to appologize for reacting the way I did.

 

[smigon]

I'll just say that LGBT issues are still a huge concern and we aren't in a position yet to be totally comfortable and at a point where it doesn't matter. Because it shouldn't matter. So when I saw the post title, and the read the content, it felt much more belittling and making light of what is a serious and dangerous issue for many people, and with some recent attempts to pass laws to make it legal to discriminate or harass, it was extremely upsetting. I myself am not "out" to my family- many of them would disown me or drown me in pamphlets about "saving my soul."

I appreciate that you guys (Smigon, Vestus, Michael) understand better where I was coming from and why it upset me, and why the responses upset me. I better understand you guys now too, and appologize for posting so angrily (I had just woke up, so the responses were the very first thing my brain took in, so I didn't use the normal restraint I should have). No, the LGBT community don't "own" the phrase, but it historically refers to us even if similar phrases have been used, too, and LGBT issues have been high in my mind lately so it's the absolute first thing that came to mind.

Anyway, I'll leave you guys to the OP's questions. I just didn't want to totally ignore your replies and wanted to appologize for reacting the way I did.

No apology necessary, the "just woke up" reason completely resonated with me, although mine are usually when I have just taken an Ambien and have NO idea of what I am talking about!

Funny but very true story. I loved my college roommate Jenny, we were an instant bond, and she was engaged to her highschool sweetheart (who I actually always thought HE was "in the closet"!). After college we lost touch, and I contacted the Alumni association to get her info about 10 years later. Of course they wouldn't give me any info, so they said write a letter (yes, one of those "olde-timey" pen-to-paper things that were popular before the internet or computers) and they would forward it to her. A week or so later I get a call from Jenny screaming with excitement. She was so happy I wrote her.

She had one thing, though, that she said she had to tell me. She was gay. But she started talking very fast and said that she NEVER looked at me "that" way, never watched me as I undressed in the room or when we showered. I told her how disappointed I was, what, was I not pretty enough for her? Why was she discriminating against ME? We laughed pretty hard, and then she told me about "coming out" to her parents. She told her mom first, her mom had suspected but let Jenny figure things out on her own. Then she went into the living room where her dad was. She said "I have something to tell you". He asked what, and she said "I am a lesbian, I like girls". He threw his newspaper in the air and said "holy crap, Jenny, I thought you were going to tell me you were a Republican!!!"!

We stayed in touch and she even came to visit me in St. Louis for a weekend, we had a blast. 4 years ago about this time of year Jenny was diagnosed with bile duct cancer, since it was so rare they didn't find it in time, and Jenny was given one month to live. Her friends from grade school and I helped her and her partner, Lucy, plan her memorial. She didn't want a "send Jenny back to Jay-sus" (insert televangelist voice here) funeral, she wanted a PARTY. And a party is what she got. I couldn't go because of the timing, but I was there in spirit and talking to everyone who was there I knew Jenny would have loved it.

Okay, sorry for the rambling, I just woke up (I KNOW I get a free pass from Senusenu for that at least!!!) and was glad, Senu, that you got to know us a little better, and visa-versa.

Hugs, Michelle

 

[vetusvates]

I'll just say that LGBT issues are still a huge concern and we aren't in a position yet to be totally comfortable and at a point where it doesn't matter. Because it shouldn't matter. So when I saw the post title, and the read the content, it felt much more belittling and making light of what is a serious and dangerous issue for many people, and with some recent attempts to pass laws to make it legal to discriminate or harass, it was extremely upsetting. I myself am not "out" to my family- many of them would disown me or drown me in pamphlets about "saving my soul."

I appreciate that you guys (Smigon, Vestus, Michael) understand better where I was coming from and why it upset me, and why the responses upset me. I better understand you guys now too, and appologize for posting so angrily (I had just woke up, so the responses were the very first thing my brain took in, so I didn't use the normal restraint I should have). No, the LGBT community don't "own" the phrase, but it historically refers to us even if similar phrases have been used, too, and LGBT issues have been high in my mind lately so it's the absolute first thing that came to mind.

Anyway, I'll leave you guys to the OP's questions. I just didn't want to totally ignore your replies and wanted to appologize for reacting the way I did.

Good post, Senu. And I apologize for not using softer language, and again for making you feel bad.
And I regret that your present situation can still even exist in the world.
Society and the World (in their thinking) have never moved fast enough for me on a number of subjects. I am tired of gays having to apologize for being gay, gays having to apologize to other gays for not being gay enough or gay in the "right" way, white guilt, which is so cliche it has wikipedia (references dating back to 1978) and urban dictionary entries (12 in urban dictionary, to be precise, references dating back to 1990), (see links), and a bazillion other things.
I should/would start another thread on old thinking versus new thinking, but personally I have philosophized and...lol...even evangelized...(on the subjects above and others)...until I am blue in the face.
Moving forward is only possible by leaving old thinking behind.
The simplicity of which just about every niche of society is not immune to the blindness of and for.

____________________________

Smigon, your post is touching and priceless. Very moving and inspiring.