Getting over a break up?

[Hypancistrus]

How do you do it?

I was done... had found the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She apparently did not feel the same way.

So I feel like my whole life is collapsed around me... and find myself wondering if anything will rise from the ashes. I've never broke off a relationship that meant as much as this one did, so I don't know how to proceed.

Thoughts?

 

[Eriathiel]

I know its hard to do - but you have to try and not dwell on it. Find things to occupy your time - start a new hobby. Whatever you do don't lock yourself away and think about it all the time. Over time it will fade.
Feel better.

 

[Hypancistrus]

I know its hard to do - but you have to try and not dwell on it. Find things to occupy your time - start a new hobby. Whatever you do don't lock yourself away and think about it all the time. Over time it will fade.
Feel better.

I am trying not to. I got four new geckos this weekend and am really enjoying working with them. But at night... it all comes flooding back. I am like powerless to defend myself from all of this at night. Days are fine....

 

[Eriathiel]

I understand. I really do. Honestly, when my last major relationship came to an end, I let it get to me so much that I became severly depressed. I couldn't sleep or eat, all I did was go over what I had done wrong over and over again.
It took time and other people to show me that not only was the man the one who had treated me unfairly and done wrong, but that despite my feelings he was not good for me. He used me. And what was worse, I let him.
Not that this is anything like your relationship, I wouldn't know. But my point is, you might not see it now, but something wouldn't have worked out, and its better that it ended now. If she wasn't in it, then she wasn't good enough for you.
And with the sleeping - my opinion is take some sleeping pills. Not sleeping will only make things worse.

 

[Susielea]

Oh my, how spooky is this....

I am at this very moment sitting with my Daughter at 4.30 in the morning UK time, trying soooo hard to help her come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend of 4 years, is no longer her boyfriend as of 6 hours ago, when she got a phone call telling her so!

I'm afraid I'm nearly out of words of wisdom, as I have practically used them all up in the last few hours.

All I can say is, be strong, whatever the reasons for the break up, when you look back on this time you will hopefully see that there was a good reason for it not working out.

And you will find another special someone that will feel about you, the same way you feel about her. If this break up didn't happen then you wouldn't have the chance to find your real true love.

Don't give up on love because everyone has a true soulmate!!!

I don't know if that helped, but my daughter is amazed at this moment reading this, that she's not the only one in this situation, so it has helped her I think.

Our best wishes to you,

 

[ghosthousecorns]

The pain won't go away from one day to the next, I feel there is a natural mourning process and a need to withdraw and take some time to heal.
I have not been in a serious relationship for a while, but I can relate in a way because I did lose a job recently after almost a year. The first year was a probation period and I had only a few weeks left and then I was told I 'just wasn't a good fit' and kicked to the curb, so to speak.
I felt numb about it for a while and one morning I woke up and just felt so pissed I was shaking. I had just put all these feelings of betrayal, anger, etc. in the back burner until I was ready to deal with it, I guess. I took it out on my back yard, moved some huge planters around, filled my compost pile, and vented my feelings in the most constructive way I could. Now I don't think this was as bad as losing a relationship would be but one thing I can say is that this too shall pass.. and, also buying more snakes helps lol.

 

[Eriathiel]

I hope your daughter feels better soon Susielea!
I agree Shed'n my skin - buying more snakes does help!

 

[susang]

My words of wisdom would be to some degree what you are feeling is fear. Fear you will never find the right person, fear that she was the only one for you, fear of sleeping alone at night, fear of waking up and facing this all over again. Fear that you gave this person the best part of you. That however isn't true the best part of you is still there. It is the part you give your students everyday, the part that buys some geckos but then lets them live in a room with your sister. The best part of you is a caring wonderful person, a giver not a taker.
I agree you need to sleep take some Tylenol PM, this will all get better. The only thing you really need to fear is not taking the first step to healing. susang

 

[Susielea]

Well said Susang!! I'm going to borrow that and tell my daughter too. She just fell asleep on the couch, thankfully without needing pills.

We'll be sending good thoughts your way Hypancistrus,

 

[ZoologyMajor]

*Hugs* I'm so sorry to hear that. We all know what it's like and feel your pain. Just take things day by day. Eventually you will meet the right person. As far as night goes...go for a jog or to the gym. Getting yourself tired out can help you sleep. Buying a new snake I am sure will help also.

Susielea - sorry to hear about your daughter. And over the phone too....that is just messed up.

 

[kathylove]

I feel that whenever you lose something important to you - friend, family member, cherished pet, job, or anything else, it is important to let yourself grieve for it. Cry if you feel the need, or vent or whatever it takes. Realize logically that it is over and that you will survive, and that very often what seems like a disaster turns out better than you hope. I have seen this time and again when the "next thing" (financial, lover, whatever) turns out better than what you had, or at least HELPS to replace it if it is not truly replaceable.

Also realize that although your brain knows all of this, your heart will take longer to acknowledge it and will hurt for some time. Allow this to happen naturally, and for grief to take its course. But begin to force yourself into normal activities even if you don't feel like it. Physical activities can sometimes drain away the energy that might be used for negative thoughts. Eventually your heart will follow your brain, and the hurt will lessen as you replace old routines with new ones, and may find a soul mate more perfect for you than the one you lost.

At least you have lots of friends here to help you through the bad times!

 

[Hypancistrus]

Thanks so much guys...

I am trying so hard, but it's tough because she was (is) my best friend, even before we dated. So it's a double whammy. Not only did I lose my lover, but I lost the one person I could count on to talk me out of funks like this. I have few really quality friends (mostly because I feel so out-of-touch with normal, non-pet keeping people) but the ones I have have been there for me... I talked to my friend Tammie last night until midnight...

The problem then is that I wake up feeling very badly that I kept her up (she has two kids, a husband and an important job and needs sleep).

Susie, I hope your daughter is okay. I feel her pain. I can barely focus... am not at all interested in work, period. I am going in later than ever before... sitting outside the school and staring at it until the last possible minute... I am glad I am planning to change schools next year. I think it will help to put myself in a new environment. So much about my current school I associate with her, because I used to visit her almost every day after school. I feel like I keep trying to put this behind me... but then she calls and more new info is revealed and I lose it again (like last night). Ugh....

Thanks again everyone for all the kind words.

 

[Pet Corn Snake]

Hello, I'm really sorry that your relationship did not work, I know it must be hard for you.
I have one suggestion for you, it's laugher, laugh atleast once a day, and don't fall under depression, I wish you not only a happy holiday season, but I wish you good luck for future relationships.

George.

 

[Checkerbelly]

I know it's early to be talking like this, but think about it if you find yourself stewing on it months or years from now...

The absolute best thing you can do to get over somebody is meet someone new.

 

[Matthew]

I've found that there really isn't anything you can do to 'get over' a break-up any quicker, unless YOU really want to -- especially one as serious as the one you just got out of.

"Time heals all wounds" is something I like to refer to a lot. While it doesn't help you in the present, ultimately it's true.

You just need to find the things that make you the happiest, deal with the feeling down moments the best you can when they come, and wait for time to heal that wound.

While that may not work for you, sadly, there's no "push this button for instant feel-better" for me so I can't suggest anything else.

Good luck!

Edited to say: I'm not sure if you drink alcohol or do drugs at all, but whatever you do, don't go down that road. It's a copt out and one you don't want to take.

Not saying that you would...but my sister is really bad about consuming mass quantities of alcohol after a hard break-up and it doesn't help anyone.

 

[MerlinsPop]

I'm so very impressed with the sage advice that Kathy gave, and can't add much to that at all.

I'm in NO WAY suggesting you're like this even a little, but I'll say it anyway. At a time like this, it is very good to do a little introspective scrounging. Make sure that you did not become completely emotionally dependant upon your girlfriend. Metaphorically speaking, no matter how deeply in love you are with someone, you always must remember that you and you alone should bear your emotional weight on your own two feet. Yes, at times for multiple reasons, it's awesome to have a loved one who you can lean on for support to help you through those tough times, but that support should only be temporary, and you should stand on your own as soon as you can. I've done, have had done to me in the past, and have seen many friends who placed all their emotional weight on someone else. Inevitably, the other person collapses under the strain. Visualize two people standing facing each other, feet firmly planted on the ground with arms interlocked. Very strong and stable. Now picture those same two with one sitting on the other's shoulders. How long can they stay like that?

Again, I'm not accusing you of this at all; after all, I've never seen you and your gf together. I'm just saying, that if you're not already cognizant of the above, to take some time and think about it. Time heals all wounds, or as Nick Lowe sang, Time Wounds all Heels. You will find another lover and the pain you feel now will vanish.

Rally the boys and go get lots of beer and pizza.

 

[Corny Noob]

I wish I could give you some insanely awesome pearls of wisdom. I used to be the advice person umong my friends, even when I couldn't follow or come to grips with my own advice.

But the first time I went through a break up like this was last year, I was with him for 3 years, we were going to be engaged soon, looking at houses... Except I was the one who felt that I was doing him wrong, it broke my heart just to do it. It hurt so bad I felt like I was the one being dumped because my life had been disturbed so much by it.

I think I went about it the worst possible way, I dumped him the day before new years eve because I didn't want to ring in the new year together and then break his heart. New years eve I got (at that time) the most drunk I've ever been in my entire life, with my parents (it was my dad's idea) aside from that night I really didn't want to talk about it with my parents, and I didn't really have "friends" that weren't online. So I vented online A LOT and in real life it was just something we didn't talk about.

Two weeks later I got some random message from a guy on myspace, oh great someone trying to pick me up...

Life has a funny way of working, a year later after feeling so miserable I'm with a great man, getting ready to start a family. It's crazy how things work out.

After all that rambling I still have no sage advice other than what's been said before, there is no sure fire way to "get over" this person, nor should you try to force yourself either, you'll be better when you're ready to be.

 

[ssmith_1187]

I lost my brother (age 45) on November 1st of this year and not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought of him. He was not only my big brother…but my friend, my mentor and someone I respected and cherished.

Like others have said, it’s a grieving process. You’ve lost someone that was very dear to you and there is a hole in your heart right now that is very painful. Eventually the hole will close and the scar will heal, but will it ever totally go away, I don’t know.

I wish I could say you’re going to wake up tomorrow and everything is going to be OK…but I can’t. These things take time...sometimes A LOT of time. All we can do is get up everyday and continue to put one foot in front of the other and be grateful for the things we have been given!!!

It does get a little easier if only by the smallest amount, each and every day...hang in there!!!

Regards,
Steve

 

[kathylove]

I understand what you mean about losing your best friend at the same time. My hubby is my best friend. I can't even imagine losing him. Of course, someday, one of us will lose the other (unless we go out together in a car wreck or something similar!). So almost inevitably, a great twosome will SOMEDAY be split up, leaving one alone. It is a fact I hate to think about, but a fact nonetheless. So I can empathize with losing your best friend, even though I luckily only have to imagine it so far and haven't had to live through it.

Even though you don't feel like it, maybe you should consider taking up a new sport, or throwing yourself into a sport you already like. Maybe not IMMEDIATELY, but within the next month or so. A new sport will take a lot of mental and physical energy, and may keep your mind occupied at least for a while. And you may meet interesting men and women who may become good friends, or even more than friends - who knows?

I know laughing will be really difficult at this time. But as time goes on, try to put yourself in situations that will give you the opportunity to laugh and interact with others, even if you don't really feel like it.

I can remember taking a drama class in high school. They taught us to "go through the motions" of showing a particular emotion, and if we physically showed the emotion, we would eventually begin to FEEL it as well. So going through the motions without feeling is not necessarily a bad thing. Don't rush it right away - but after a grieving time, start to make yourself "go through the motions" of laughter, activities, sports, etc, and with time, you will begin to actually feel what you are forcing yourself to show on the outside. At least I hope it will work the same way for you as it has for many others.

And be sure to spend time with family and friends to remind yourself that you are not REALLY all alone, even though it seems that way at times.

 

[tyflier]

My ex left and took my daughter and step-daughter almost 2 and a half years ago. We didn't get along very well for the last 5-6 months we were together(6 years), so I knew it was coming, and I can't say she was my "best friend" any longer, though in the beginning she was...but...I was devestated by losing my family.

I spent a few weeks in a horrible funk...the deepest depression I have ever known, and entirely unable to pull myself out. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I didn't see my daughter for an entire 6 weeks...which threw me into a nervous breakdown. Now...I'm a strong guy...strong willed, strong minded, and I have ALWAYS relied on myself for everything...been on my own since 15 and I am now 34, so I am definitely not an emotional weakling, but not having my daughter was more weight than any human should be expected to bear.

When I started seeing my daughter regularly again, the deepest part of the depression was gone, but I still missed my family, and still desperately missed kissing my babies goodnight and good morning [every day.

So I fished, and climbed, and hiked, and camped...I did everything that I wasn't able to do as a family man. I spoiled myself absolutely rotten with a new guitar, new fly rod, new climbing gear...everything I wanted, I bought. Everything I wanted to do, I did. I spent several months being a 17 year old kid with no real responsibilities again(of I continued to work). Spur of the moment trips out to the casino...Reno and Vegas are but short drives...weekends alone in the woods at elevation, alpine rock routes...whatever I wanted to do.

I did NOT find another girl. I didn't want to. I wanted to regain my own confidence and my own self-esteem before I was willing to try meeting someone else. Two reasons...I knew I was too jaded to treat another female properly, and I knew I was too emotionally scarred to protect myself from another "{evil woman"(no offense, ladies...I'm better now ).

It's been almost three years, and while I have had plenty of offers in the interim, I have only just recently met someone I am willing to invest more than a modicum of effort into knowing(she has snakes!!). But being single for this long has taught me that I am still as strong as I ever was, and I have regained some of my old confidence back...some of my self-reliance...that was lost when my ex left me.

I don't have any sage advice other than...do what YOU want to do. No matter how good a relationship is, and no matter how much you love someone and love being with someone...there are ALWAYS sacrifices. There are always things you want to do or buy that you can't because of the other obligations that come with a relationship. You don't have those obligations anymore. Spoil yourself rotten. Waste money, waste time, waste energy. It is ALL yours now, so do what you want to with it. It sounds petty, and it sounds juvenile, but darnit...it helps. It helps to renew your confidence and vigor for life. And it makes you feel good. You don't need another person for that. You don't need sleeping pills for that. It makes you feel good, and darnit...feeling good is good enough.

It passes. ALL time passes, good and bad. You'll get through it, eventually. Just take your time, heal yourself, and you'll get through it...

But do yourself a favor...don't fall for someone else right away. You are emotionally vulnerable, and ultimately, you will either get hurt again, or hurt someone else, and neither one is worth it. A little bit of fun never hurt anyone, but protect yourself emotionally and physically.