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Getting over a break up?
- Thread starter Hypancistrus
- Start date
kathylove
Pragmatic & Logical
Good for you!
You sound like a great role model who has "been there, done that" and found a way to make it work for you. Unfortunately, I still have to "spread some reputation around" before I can give you more. You sound like you will be a great "catch" for somebody when you are good and ready for your next serious relationship!!
You sound like a great role model who has "been there, done that" and found a way to make it work for you. Unfortunately, I still have to "spread some reputation around" before I can give you more. You sound like you will be a great "catch" for somebody when you are good and ready for your next serious relationship!!
tsst
Deuce is watching!
I'm a guy and we don't know much about relationships. So I won't try to give any relationship advice as far as what went wrong or how to fix it. What I can say is at times I have dealt with relationship loss I try to remember the good and then look forward to try and see what can be.
There is a song called 'Unanswered Prayers'. It reflects about a relationship break and how the hurting led to prayers of going back to the way it was. But in the end when the hurting has subsided and they realize what gifts they received in life, it is those unanswered prayers that they are being thankful for.
I know this may not help now but one day you will be thankful for the unanswered prayers!
I wish you all the good in the future and a speedy healing of the heart!
There is a song called 'Unanswered Prayers'. It reflects about a relationship break and how the hurting led to prayers of going back to the way it was. But in the end when the hurting has subsided and they realize what gifts they received in life, it is those unanswered prayers that they are being thankful for.
I know this may not help now but one day you will be thankful for the unanswered prayers!
I wish you all the good in the future and a speedy healing of the heart!
Nanci
Alien Lover
I have two small pieces of advice. Don't keep pictures and mementos and mope over them. Get rid of it. When you think of the other person- change the subject. Refuse to go there.
My solution for myself (which is not for you because you are too young to quit) is- I'm done. Done losing five-year chunks of my life and having to start over. I think I'm a really good girlfriend- excellent cook, I don't fight, make a decent living, am athletic, not a slob, buy the best presents ever, own my own house, know how to fix and build things- if all that isn't good enough- I quit! There's no guarantee any relationship will work out- I just object to it taking SO LONG to not work out. So after my last break up in February, I took myself off the market- permanently. I am _so_ done. It's really quite a relief to not always be stressing about "What if I'm alone forever?" Who cares.
My solution for myself (which is not for you because you are too young to quit) is- I'm done. Done losing five-year chunks of my life and having to start over. I think I'm a really good girlfriend- excellent cook, I don't fight, make a decent living, am athletic, not a slob, buy the best presents ever, own my own house, know how to fix and build things- if all that isn't good enough- I quit! There's no guarantee any relationship will work out- I just object to it taking SO LONG to not work out. So after my last break up in February, I took myself off the market- permanently. I am _so_ done. It's really quite a relief to not always be stressing about "What if I'm alone forever?" Who cares.
kshannon
New member
What gets me through tough times is my pets, my kitten got me through losing my Mom along w/ my family.
It has been a while since I have dated, and I am not in the hurry to start, but if the wright person comes along you will know it!!!! Don't rush into another hearache. I have friends that go through lovers like dirty socks, instead of taking the time to find the "one".
It has been a while since I have dated, and I am not in the hurry to start, but if the wright person comes along you will know it!!!! Don't rush into another hearache. I have friends that go through lovers like dirty socks, instead of taking the time to find the "one".
kathylove
Pragmatic & Logical
"...I think I'm a really good girlfriend- excellent cook, I don't fight, make a decent living, am athletic, not a slob, buy the best presents ever, own my own house, know how to fix and build things..."
WOW! If I were a single guy, I would marry you myself!!! I do have a single brother...too bad you are not available anymore, lol!
WOW! If I were a single guy, I would marry you myself!!! I do have a single brother...too bad you are not available anymore, lol!
v_various
secretly normal
ah, sorry to hear about that.
I recently lost my lover/best friend a few months ago, I've been mostly angry about it for a while now. But falling back on my usual reasoning has helped:
1) Other people have been through worse and have been fine, I will too.
2) it isn't the end of the world, I still have a job/friends/health
3) It will make me a stronger better person for next time
I've also recently been going through all our old e-mails, and sorting them into their own little folder. I don't suggest that until you're a little more over things. It is kind is kind of hard looking over all them again, but I also feel good about deleting/putting them away for good.
And hey, we're both only 26, My Uncle found the love is life well after 60 years old, and he has parkinson's .
I recently lost my lover/best friend a few months ago, I've been mostly angry about it for a while now. But falling back on my usual reasoning has helped:
1) Other people have been through worse and have been fine, I will too.
2) it isn't the end of the world, I still have a job/friends/health
3) It will make me a stronger better person for next time
I've also recently been going through all our old e-mails, and sorting them into their own little folder. I don't suggest that until you're a little more over things. It is kind is kind of hard looking over all them again, but I also feel good about deleting/putting them away for good.
And hey, we're both only 26, My Uncle found the love is life well after 60 years old, and he has parkinson's .
Nanci
Alien Lover
I actually did break my Rule Number One, and got duly punished for it. In my locker at work, there's a very old picture of my ex- from when we first started going out in 2001, I guess. When I still had hope. I didn't throw it away with all the others, not for any sentimental reason, really, maybe just because it's holding up my CPR card and Registry card, and removing it seemed like saying "Ok- I'm ready for a new one!" (And we're friends- I don't hate him or anything).
So anyway, the other day I had my locker open and a lady I didn't know walked by and said "Oh! Your son is so good-looking!" I just said "Thanks..."
So anyway, the other day I had my locker open and a lady I didn't know walked by and said "Oh! Your son is so good-looking!" I just said "Thanks..."
Kokopelli
Resident Boa Fanatic
For me... I had a very hard break-up with my girlfriend. We actually met online and she was from America and we corresponded for two years before she decided to come here and live with me... it's quite the unusual tale but I won't delve into it right now.
At any rate, she broke up with me the day after my first and only snake at the time died(bought from a store and he was ill... I didn't know any better at the time so I blamed myself naturally). I cared for her deeply, enough to take her into my home and provide everything I can for her- and it was not really easy, paying the rent and for everything else when I work as a customer-service agent at the age of 22. I was devastated, it happened around 7 or so months ago and I can't really say I no longer think about it... but only recently did I get over it.
We broke up because it couldn't really happen... there was an age gap(she was older), religion-gap and cultural gap. There were other reasons but they are personal and hers so I won't go into it- in the end it wasn't really her fault or mine.
The point however, is that I realized that at the end of the day it is yourself whom you have to face. If you believe you have done everything you could and gave your whole- than it was simply not meant to be.
I come from a rather torn up family, I know the dire consequences that a divorce can generate. In the short term it is mostly easy to preserve a relationship, but if you end up compromising yourself completely it is going to back-fire and the results might end up being not only yours to cope with but your children's as well.
I don't like making promises, perhaps I am rather pessimistic on that regard but some people do end up being alone, I do not want to sell a "likely possibility" but say this- if you did everything you could, than it couldn't have progressed in any other way. I can't promise you will find the "one" but a relationship is supposed to make you happy, once you repress yourself, you are treading a rather dangerous road.
There's a song that really helped me pull through:
Dream Theater- Take the time
"
The unbroken spirit
Obscured and disquiet
Finds clearness this trial
demands
And at the end of this day sighs
an anxious relief
For the fortune lies still in his
hands
If there's pensive fear, a
wasted year
A man must learn to cope
If his obsession's real,
Suppression that he feels must
turn to hope
Life is no more assuring than
love
(It's time to take the time)
There are no answers from
voices above
(It's time to take the time)
You're fighting the weight of
the world
And no one can save you this
time
Close your eyes
You can find all you need in
your mind"
There's no point to wonder what if, if the breakup occurred than there's a good reason for it to have happened.
I may or may not find the right person for me, but I know I did everything humanly possible, I gave my whole and sacrificed every inch I could. I can go to sleep knowing that I did not compromise myself... and in the long run this matters a deal more than just being with someone. Because no relationship will ever last if you do compromise yourself- and you will not be able to face yourself if you do.
Well... this turned out a deal lengthier than I intended. Sorry for the babble folks.
At any rate, she broke up with me the day after my first and only snake at the time died(bought from a store and he was ill... I didn't know any better at the time so I blamed myself naturally). I cared for her deeply, enough to take her into my home and provide everything I can for her- and it was not really easy, paying the rent and for everything else when I work as a customer-service agent at the age of 22. I was devastated, it happened around 7 or so months ago and I can't really say I no longer think about it... but only recently did I get over it.
We broke up because it couldn't really happen... there was an age gap(she was older), religion-gap and cultural gap. There were other reasons but they are personal and hers so I won't go into it- in the end it wasn't really her fault or mine.
The point however, is that I realized that at the end of the day it is yourself whom you have to face. If you believe you have done everything you could and gave your whole- than it was simply not meant to be.
I come from a rather torn up family, I know the dire consequences that a divorce can generate. In the short term it is mostly easy to preserve a relationship, but if you end up compromising yourself completely it is going to back-fire and the results might end up being not only yours to cope with but your children's as well.
I don't like making promises, perhaps I am rather pessimistic on that regard but some people do end up being alone, I do not want to sell a "likely possibility" but say this- if you did everything you could, than it couldn't have progressed in any other way. I can't promise you will find the "one" but a relationship is supposed to make you happy, once you repress yourself, you are treading a rather dangerous road.
There's a song that really helped me pull through:
Dream Theater- Take the time
"
The unbroken spirit
Obscured and disquiet
Finds clearness this trial
demands
And at the end of this day sighs
an anxious relief
For the fortune lies still in his
hands
If there's pensive fear, a
wasted year
A man must learn to cope
If his obsession's real,
Suppression that he feels must
turn to hope
Life is no more assuring than
love
(It's time to take the time)
There are no answers from
voices above
(It's time to take the time)
You're fighting the weight of
the world
And no one can save you this
time
Close your eyes
You can find all you need in
your mind"
There's no point to wonder what if, if the breakup occurred than there's a good reason for it to have happened.
I may or may not find the right person for me, but I know I did everything humanly possible, I gave my whole and sacrificed every inch I could. I can go to sleep knowing that I did not compromise myself... and in the long run this matters a deal more than just being with someone. Because no relationship will ever last if you do compromise yourself- and you will not be able to face yourself if you do.
Well... this turned out a deal lengthier than I intended. Sorry for the babble folks.
I know exactly how you feel.....I got divorced 2 years ago, and I felt like it was the end of the world. We had a son together, he was 5 at the time, and he was a daddy's boy right from the start. I loved them both so much, and when she left, he went with her, and I was in that big ol' house all alone. It's taken 2 years, but I finally got out and met someone, and believe it or not, she even had 3 corn snakes! Just goes to show you things somehow manage to work out. I had this on my computer that I used to read all the time, and it kinda helps a little:
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt
they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not
joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their
part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in
your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got
the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in
good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know
whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes
too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .............
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you.
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level
in Him........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship........
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...................
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you
need to.....
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .... think about it, and then.
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt
they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not
joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their
part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in
your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got
the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in
good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know
whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes
too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .............
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you.
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level
in Him........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship........
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...................
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you
need to.....
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .... think about it, and then.
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's
SnakeCreations
Ophiolatress
Speaking from experience (two divorces here) where I invested ALL of my heart each time.....
Don't worry about your friend Tammie, if she has a problem with talking to you late, she'll tell you. It's what friends are for! Do express gratitude that you have such a friend!
Tell your ex to stop calling. Theres no way you can move on if she keeps on 'hooking' you back.
I do not agree with this at all!! It's taken me a year and a half to actually start dating. I'm sure everyone has their own time-line, but for me it was best to grieve and focus on making myself the very best person I could be. Healthy attracts healthy... right?
I know the above quote was long but he's RIGHT!! Read it over and over - it will tell you much. Mostly that focusing on your passions, whatever they are will help keep your mind off the pain and that you WILL get over it. Truly! I wish I would have read this last year.
I focused on my kids, my work and my snakes. Each day I exercised. Each day I ate right (lost some weight too) and drank lots of water. I tried to get sleep and take naps often. Taking care of myself and finding joy in SOMETHING every day will help. You'll turn around one day and find that you're just fine. Sooner than you think. In the meantime lean on friends!
((huggs))
Tonya
PS - Nancy - If Kathy doesn't nab you up, I will
I've always wanted a wife. Oh hey - why don't you both move here....? It's Utah after all... <snicker>
Don't worry about your friend Tammie, if she has a problem with talking to you late, she'll tell you. It's what friends are for! Do express gratitude that you have such a friend!
Tell your ex to stop calling. Theres no way you can move on if she keeps on 'hooking' you back.
I do not agree with this at all!! It's taken me a year and a half to actually start dating. I'm sure everyone has their own time-line, but for me it was best to grieve and focus on making myself the very best person I could be. Healthy attracts healthy... right?
I spent a few weeks in a horrible funk...the deepest depression I have ever known, and entirely unable to pull myself out. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I didn't see my daughter for an entire 6 weeks...which threw me into a nervous breakdown. Now...I'm a strong guy...strong willed, strong minded, and I have ALWAYS relied on myself for everything...been on my own since 15 and I am now 34, so I am definitely not an emotional weakling, but not having my daughter was more weight than any human should be expected to bear.
When I started seeing my daughter regularly again, the deepest part of the depression was gone, but I still missed my family, and still desperately missed kissing my babies goodnight and good morning [every day.
So I fished, and climbed, and hiked, and camped...I did everything that I wasn't able to do as a family man. I spoiled myself absolutely rotten with a new guitar, new fly rod, new climbing gear...everything I wanted, I bought. Everything I wanted to do, I did. I spent several months being a 17 year old kid with no real responsibilities again(of I continued to work). Spur of the moment trips out to the casino...Reno and Vegas are but short drives...weekends alone in the woods at elevation, alpine rock routes...whatever I wanted to do.
I did NOT find another girl. I didn't want to. I wanted to regain my own confidence and my own self-esteem before I was willing to try meeting someone else. Two reasons...I knew I was too jaded to treat another female properly, and I knew I was too emotionally scarred to protect myself from another "{evil woman"(no offense, ladies...I'm better now
It's been almost three years, and while I have had plenty of offers in the interim, I have only just recently met someone I am willing to invest more than a modicum of effort into knowing(she has snakes!!). But being single for this long has taught me that I am still as strong as I ever was, and I have regained some of my old confidence back...some of my self-reliance...that was lost when my ex left me.
I don't have any sage advice other than...do what YOU want to do. No matter how good a relationship is, and no matter how much you love someone and love being with someone...there are ALWAYS sacrifices. There are always things you want to do or buy that you can't because of the other obligations that come with a relationship. You don't have those obligations anymore. Spoil yourself rotten. Waste money, waste time, waste energy. It is ALL yours now, so do what you want to with it. It sounds petty, and it sounds juvenile, but darnit...it helps. It helps to renew your confidence and vigor for life. And it makes you feel good. You don't need another person for that. You don't need sleeping pills for that. It makes you feel good, and darnit...feeling good is good enough.
It passes. ALL time passes, good and bad. You'll get through it, eventually. Just take your time, heal yourself, and you'll get through it...
But do yourself a favor...don't fall for someone else right away. You are emotionally vulnerable, and ultimately, you will either get hurt again, or hurt someone else, and neither one is worth it. A little bit of fun never hurt anyone, but protect yourself emotionally and physically.
I know the above quote was long but he's RIGHT!! Read it over and over - it will tell you much. Mostly that focusing on your passions, whatever they are will help keep your mind off the pain and that you WILL get over it. Truly! I wish I would have read this last year.
I focused on my kids, my work and my snakes. Each day I exercised. Each day I ate right (lost some weight too) and drank lots of water. I tried to get sleep and take naps often. Taking care of myself and finding joy in SOMETHING every day will help. You'll turn around one day and find that you're just fine. Sooner than you think. In the meantime lean on friends!
((huggs))
Tonya
PS - Nancy - If Kathy doesn't nab you up, I will
I've always wanted a wife. Oh hey - why don't you both move here....? It's Utah after all... <snicker>
tricksterpup
I has nuttin to Say.
The only cure for this is to go out and buy yourself a couple of corn snakes. Enjoy the hobby and life. Take it one day at a time and learn to enjoy being yourself for awhile.
And buy yourself a couple of corn snakes. Heck, skip that, get yourself a pair of Gophers or Bull snakes.
And buy yourself a couple of corn snakes. Heck, skip that, get yourself a pair of Gophers or Bull snakes.
Hypancistrus
New member
The only cure for this is to go out and buy yourself a couple of corn snakes. Enjoy the hobby and life. Take it one day at a time and learn to enjoy being yourself for awhile.
And buy yourself a couple of corn snakes. Heck, skip that, get yourself a pair of Gophers or Bull snakes.
There is this jungle corn at the local shop that I wanted in October. I took the GF to see it and she did not like it. So I never bought it. But I think about it all the time. I may go back there tomorrow. See if he's still languishing there. All good snakes deserve a home for Christmas, right?
tyflier
[Insert Witty Commentary]
NOW you're using your noggin'. That is precisely the sort of thing that will help you get over this nonsense...
tricksterpup
I has nuttin to Say.
Yes, and don't you deserve another Gopher? :grin01:
desertanimal
2003 UB313
Agreed. Doubly agreed. That's what set off red alarms in my head. You need to stop talking to her for a while. It's what's best for both of you, but mostly for you.
I've never been dumped, fortunately, but I've done some seriously unexpected dumping (unexpected by the people I've dumped, that is) and had to stop talking to my ex's for a while, because it wasn't good for them to talk to me. It made me feel like a horrible person to do, and it was awful and dramatic, but I knew that it was really the best thing for them. But lots of dumpers won't do that, because it makes you feel SO horrible, and the dumpers also need some support, and are used to talking to the person they dumped. You need to stop answering the phone when she calls. I'm serious. You can be friends again later, just like everyone in our community
, but in order to get to that point sooner, you need a cold-turkey break. If you try it the other way, without a break, you can do the being friends thing, it's done, but it will be way more traumatic and dramatic, and it will take a lot longer to get there.Stop talking to her. Cold turkey. Don't be in the house at the same time if she needs to come get stuff, or vice versa. And tell her not to call you or email you, that you need the space in order to get over her. If she cares about you, she will honor your request. If she doesn't, well, that should help you get over her in its own way.
Susielea
Lily
I really don't want to hijack this thread but felt I had to post again!
Soooo, thank you Hypancistrus for your kind comment about my daughter! She came home from work today and although she is not into corns the way I am, she asked me to log on to see if you had posted again. She has cried, laughed and been amazed by all the members posted "words of wisdom" and I feel it has truely done her some good too, so thank you all so very, very much!!
We really, truely hope that what has been posted has helped you as well! There are so many wonderful, wise people here and they probably know you better than we do but our warmest thoughts and best wishes are being sent to you in the hope that they will help you through this difficult time.
I know it probably sounds hard at the moment but try to stay positive!
I think giving a snake a new home for Christmas sounds like a great idea, so go buy Chrissie present to yourself and have a happy holiday!!
Best wishes,
Soooo, thank you Hypancistrus for your kind comment about my daughter! She came home from work today and although she is not into corns the way I am, she asked me to log on to see if you had posted again. She has cried, laughed and been amazed by all the members posted "words of wisdom" and I feel it has truely done her some good too, so thank you all so very, very much!!
We really, truely hope that what has been posted has helped you as well! There are so many wonderful, wise people here and they probably know you better than we do but our warmest thoughts and best wishes are being sent to you in the hope that they will help you through this difficult time.
I know it probably sounds hard at the moment but try to stay positive!
I think giving a snake a new home for Christmas sounds like a great idea, so go buy Chrissie present to yourself and have a happy holiday!!
Best wishes,
kathylove
Pragmatic & Logical
Susielea...
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is also going through the same thing, but very happy that the timing worked out so that she can benefit from knowing somebody else is dealing with this at the same time she is. Maybe she won't feel so alone in this experience. Perhaps both sufferers can take some small comfort knowing that others must go through what they are now living, and that some of the members here have come through it stronger than before, and found out who their true friends are in the process. I don't know her, but do wish her the best.
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is also going through the same thing, but very happy that the timing worked out so that she can benefit from knowing somebody else is dealing with this at the same time she is. Maybe she won't feel so alone in this experience. Perhaps both sufferers can take some small comfort knowing that others must go through what they are now living, and that some of the members here have come through it stronger than before, and found out who their true friends are in the process. I don't know her, but do wish her the best.